Great quotes from awesome commenters

Assembled dudes,

That thread on white spokesperson has been the most entertaining thing I've ever read on this blog. You guys are what we used to call "good white folks." I just wanted to highlight a few gems of irony and high comedy:

Most of the better nominations were vetoed. Ta-Nehisi, why are you trying to keep the white man down?

I voted Jeff because he's demonstrated the qualities I'm looking for.

Folks! Don Draper is the only choice. He's bright, well dressed, clean, articulate.

In this case, our black overlords have presented us with a full slate of candidates, all but one of which are not popular enough to win the prize. The only one popular enough to win, is of course, a jester...

And I, for one, welcome...

Nevermind.

Of the choices presented, I'd go with Galactus because he best symbolizes the impermeable dominance of white culture in the post-Ghengis Khan world - along with the heavy guilt he feels and all the shit he's detroyed feeding his lifestyle, not that he does anything about it. However, I think Jesus would be a good choice as well. Not only is he white - just check him out sometime - but he's got great abdominal definition and people are always taking him out of context and accusing him of being racist. Yeah he's a white guy, but he's a compassionate, sensitive white guy. I'll bet he'd even vote for Obama.

I am also disappointed with Ta-N for the nominations, but then again he's black so he wouldn't understand our needs as a people.

I don't even know who Jeff is. Or Galactus. I guess that makes me a schmuck, but I'm pretty sure if you polled 100 white people, 80% wouldn't know them either.

I ask for a second round, so the anti-Colbert forces can unite on an appropriate figure. Whiteness is not self-aware, and not particularly clever either -- the point is that it doesn't have to be.

Seriously guys this is great stuff. Of course you are aware that no white man can cast a vote for White Spokesperson that any black man is bound to respect. Otherwise, how else would you know how it felt to be Al Sharptoned? Of course I will take this vote "under advisement." At the moment, I have to say, Jeff is rocking the shit. Galactus is a Streisand.

Comments

A previous poster asked for more women nominees, and I agree. I think Roseanne Barr would make a good one. I personally prefer her character on her 1990s era show better than the real-life Roseanne. But if you check out her political views on her blog, I think she speaks for white people:

http://www.roseanneworld.com/blog/

Maybe also Rosie O'Donnell or Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Posted by Chris | August 19, 2008 10:37 AM

I assumed I was voting for Stephen Colbert's character, not the actual Stephen Colbert!

Posted by Steve | August 19, 2008 10:43 AM

Seriously, I really want to reopen nominations to include Roseanne Barr. At least for white spokeswoman. Here are some great nuggets on politics and other topics from her blog, clearly making her a white spokesperson:

"I am the first blogger to blog about Obama's abortion vote and how it would become the october surprise...they have michelle obama on tape defending live birth abortion, and raising money for it too...(they called this "the whitey" tape, but its far better than just that kind of a boring thing...she is on tape defending sucking the brains out of babies who live through late term abortions)."

"Cindy Sheehan is a woman of vision, in my view, as is Hillary Clinton, Cynthia Mckinney, and my sister Geraldine Barr."

"angelina may like mccain but I cannot imagine a worse human being as president of our country. The guy is an idiot, a rageaholic, and an old fart who called his wife a "maureen dowd"."

"Oprah Winfrey always gets her republican friends elected!! She and she alone split the woman's vote, thereby destabilizing the entire party and fracturing it forever along racial and gender lines. It is estimated that her endorsement of Obama swung over one million women's votes from Hillary, who remains the only candidate who polls to win against mccain. Oprah can rest well now knowing that her dogs will not have to pay inheritance tax over the next four years if she dies. However, in 2012, when dean pelosi and the rest of the traitors are out of jobs, and Hillary again runs for president, wins, and changes inheritance taxes to cover health care costs, we will have a nice drink to the end of the Oprah Winfrey "pray to angels instead of protest injustice" method of female stinkthink."

"delegates: you have one more chance to pick hillary, and she is the better choice....especially because of obama's live birth abortion vote (the october surprise) and the new charges against his greatest enabler, ACORN (kennedy's street gangs that get people registered to vote)."

These are all just from the last week! Honestly, she is as quotable as Al Sharpton.

Posted by Chris | August 19, 2008 10:51 AM

This gives me an occasion to link back to comics writer Gail Simone's comedy piece on Galactus from way back in the day. Hopefully, it doesn't become the equivalent of the Jeremiah Wright "scandal" for the Devourer of Worlds.

http://issuu.com/evnarc2/docs/you_ll_all_be_sorry__galactus__blog?mode=embed&documentId=080819144222

Posted by Evan Narcisse | August 19, 2008 10:54 AM

I voted for Don Draper, but while watching the Olympics, I realized the obvious choice here is Bob Costas.

Posted by Todd | August 19, 2008 11:24 AM

White people, pwned!

I have to admit, TNC, you played this bit of performance art to perfection.

Posted by LaFollette Progressive | August 19, 2008 11:48 AM

Since when have white-people (as a whole, not just the folks who read this) been known for self-aggrandizing behavior out of IRONY? To vote for Stephen Colbert soley based on his character is the same as voting for Bill O'Reilly, so if ppl aren't doing that then are they voting for the irony of his behavior? This irony fails to capture the essence of whites.

Only one man captures the essential quality of whites - The ability to infiltrate, consume, sometimes ravage, and sometimes destroy, all the while explaining it in such a way as to convince many that it is for their own good. We are a capitalist people, incapable of any other way of life. Greed must drive this capitalism. Greed flows like water around superior strength (sorry Kurt Russell) and it is greed that works 18 hour days.

Gordon Gekko is IT.

Posted by Evan | August 19, 2008 11:53 AM

Gotta say, judging by those remarks, I would truly, TRULY resent Roseanne speaking for all white folks and would start cursing her out under my breath the moment she opened her mouth. Which probably makes her the appropriate spokesperson under the rules of this exercise.

Posted by gracchus | August 19, 2008 12:09 PM

"Oprah can rest well now knowing that her dogs will not have to pay inheritance tax over the next four years if she dies."

I don't care who you are, that's funny.

Evan Narcisse, that Galactus blog is great. Thanks.

Roseanne is like Chris Hitchens: They express themselves in so asshole-ish a manner that I feel a little dirty every time I agree with them. When Roseanne was on Bill Maher, eventually I just wanted someone to yell at her, "shut up, shut up, SHUT UP and let someone else talk for once. And if you start singing the national anthem, I kill you."

Posted by Reality Man | August 19, 2008 12:57 PM

Les Grossman is going to rise up and devour Gekko, ROSEANNE!!!, Draper and all the rest.

Two words: Gofuck Yourself!

Trust me on this.

Posted by brucds | August 19, 2008 1:02 PM

So if by some chance my man Galactus comes from behind and becomes The One Who Speaks White to Power, what role does the Silver Surfer have?

I suggest press secretary.

Posted by KevDog | August 19, 2008 1:12 PM

OMG Bob Costas! Also I officially second Roseann Barr, why didn't i think of that..

also i am neither black nor white - so, does my vote equal 0.5 of a white vote or 1.5?

Posted by sv | August 19, 2008 1:34 PM

So, can one suggest a non-American white spokesman?

If so, Don Cherry is it.

Of course, not being American, he doesn't qualify as white.

Posted by randy | August 19, 2008 1:57 PM

Princess Leia and Galactus are aliens, so I'm not sure they would be able to adequately represent American white people. Colbert is awesome, though.

Posted by Sister Machine Gun of Mild Harmony | August 19, 2008 2:17 PM

Don Cherry would not only throw Russia out of the G-8, he'd throw every European hockey-playing country out of NATO as well.

And he'd look good doing it.

Posted by mjm | August 19, 2008 7:58 PM

You inspired us with this great competition...of the options I go with either Don Draper or Galactus.

But I was thinking Corky from Life Goes on fame would have been a perfect choice as a write in candidate for your competition, but we decided to "draft" him ourselves to be Obama's presumptive running mate. Why?

1. He is honest and sincere;
2. In his comments that he doesn't like black people and that he is afraid of them, Corky speaks for America's racial id, and therefore protects Obama from charges of "playing the race card;"
3. He is a white male;
4. He is anti-establishment;
5. Corky is not a Washington insider;
6. His simple cadence, binary thinking, and straightforward analysis of problems and their solutions will appeal to the Red state and conservative base who are attracted to Bush's "truthiness," war against "evil doers," and McCain's sloganistic posturing;
7. Corky's presence on the ticket is the ultimate insurance policy against Obama falling victim to assassination.

Again, great post and series.

Chauncey DeVega

Posted by Chauncey DeVega | August 19, 2008 8:01 PM

I always thought the silver surfer helped Galactus with his reflections.

Posted by bago | August 19, 2008 10:22 PM

We're looking for the caucasian inverse of Al Sharpton, right? Has to be Bill O'Reilly. Of all people, Rush Limbaugh got O'Reilly exactly right - he said "the man is Ted Baxter."

Posted by Stuart | August 20, 2008 11:46 AM