Been getting a lot of e-mails wondering why I keep referencing Billy Dee Williams. A few weeks back--before I came to Atlantic-ville--I wrote a post noting a Gallup story which concluded that the "Black spokesman" title was up for grabs. This was horrible. Who would now interpret the drums? Who would translate the Ebonics? Were we doomed to have lovely economic slang like "dap" and "pound," mangled into "fist-bump" and "terrorist fist-jab?" Would white people begin claiming that my blog was "articulate?" Egads man!! Something had to be done!
And so I took nominations for the One Negro To Speak For Us All. The nominees were a diverse bunch ranging from Geraldine Ferraro to Morgan Freeman. But in the end MF Doom was just barely edged out by Billy Dee Williams--as Lando Calrissian, mind you. Anyway, at that time I promised my readers of the Caucasian persuasion that I'd hold a similar contest for them. Alright, the time is now. I am officially take nominations for One Caucasian Who Speaks For You All.
I guess I'll go first. I nominate Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner rules. Especially in Upside of Anger. Plus Alicia Witt is hot in that movie. Of course she would have been hotter as Mary Jane in Spiderman. Yeah, Alicia Witt...
UPDATE: Hurry folks. Nominations close at 3 P.M. EST. We'll have a poll up for voting tomorrow.
UPDATE: Welp, nominations are officially closed. Will have a poll with our frontrunners up tomorrow.
The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood 
I nominate M J Fox in both Family Ties and Back to the Future..a hybrid named Alex P McFly.
Three nominees, in order of preference:
1. Kurt Russell
2. Tom Waits
3. Merle Haggard
Kevin Costner?! How about Walter Cronkite?
Toby Keith, because he can explain black people to us if Billy Dee is off somewhere shooting a movie.
1. Angelina Jolie. Then no one will mess with us.
2. Steven Colbert
3. Joe Biden or Samantha Powers
Can we nominate Wolverine for the white spokesman as well?
Also, Johnny Cash.
Alan Thicke from the Growing Pains era. He was a psychiatrist who was also a great Father. His fictional son went on to be a born-again, and his real son became an R&B singer who has gone on to collaborate with Lil' Wayne. Black folks will respect him. Black folks do respect Robin Thicke, right Billy D?
1. Gordon Gekko
2. Kowalski
3. Clint Eastwood
Leslie Nielson of course.
Brett Favre
George W. Bush already speaks for all white people, so why not just go with the flow?
1. Gordon Gekko
2. David Byrne
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that someone else already thought of nominating Gekko.
Can I be the official spokesman for white people? I like farmers markets, golden retrievers and like to shoot my mouth off.
First, I reject the classist, racist, identity-based politics that suggests only a fellow Caucasian can represent my interests. This country will remain a white chocolate country (take that Ray Nagin) but that means nothing when choosing a spokesperson to represent us.
I want Emma Thompson to speak for us. I don't care about what, either. I just love listening to her.
Completely agree with you on Alicia Witt. I miss her on Criminal Intent.
My nominees:
Vern Troyer
Bill Nye, The Science Guy
Christian Soriano
Martin Sheen as Josiah Bartlett is a good choice (yes, I know the one-drop rule still reigns in America, but his Dad's spanish, not latino). Maybe too liberal, though.
Bono's a good choice -- well-intentioned, yet messianic, condescending and determined to fix everything with money.
Fred Thompson's character in Law and Order. A bs visiage of white masculinity that's so powerful that people actually took him seriously (for a while) in real life.
And then there's Homer Simpson, of course.
The answer is easy: Edward James Olmos. Not white enough, you say? Then you're going out the airlock.
Hulk Hogan.
I'd like it to be
1. Jon Stewart
or
2. Harrison Ford as Han Solo OR Indiana Jones
But in reality it's probably more like Homer Simpson.
I nominate myself, on the grounds that over 90% of this list applies to me:
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/
Well I think someone has to throw out the obvious choice here:
George Clooney.
Other possibilities:
Peyton Manning (or maybe Eli)
Reese Witherspoon (doesn't get much whiter)
Ozzie Guillen (I know he's hispanic but the dude cracks me up!)
Dick Cavett.
Christopher Walken.
Can we use the results of Dave Chappelle's Racial Draft in nominating spokespeople? When you get around to Asians, you have to go with the Wu Tang Clan.
http://www.truveo.com/ChappeLLes-show-RaciaL-draft/id/3286207855
Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly....
I nominate Al Jolson (in black-face of course)!
I thought the younger daughter in The Upside of Anger was a bit hotter, though the last time I saw Alica Witt on the screen, she was looking pretty good.
If I had to pick a white spokesman, I hate to do it, but I would choose Sen. Jim Webb. Not because I think he is anything great, just I think the white spokesman should have a bit of redneck in him. Besides, if he were the go to white guy and he said one of his many stupid statements, I could say "Jim Webb doesn't speak for all white people".
I do like the idea of Alan Thicke, though that is outsourcing the job of number one white guy to a Canadian.
1 - Navin Johnson (Steve Martin from the Jerk)
2 - Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (Marlon Brando from Apocolypse Now) or Gen. Buck Turgidson (George C, Scott from Dr. Strangelove)
3 - Stephen King
Even better, I think we should allow the two headed Ray Milland/Rosey Grier character from The Thing with Two Heads to be the spokesperson for black AND white people. Or maybe he/it acts like an arbitrator when the two spokespeople argue too much.
I second PDF's suggestion of Kurt Russel.
I would add Harrison Ford as Han Solo (excellent dynamic with Lando) and James Gandolfini.
For Jews, I nominate Larry David or the guy who played Moe Green in the Godfather.
I know the process is complete, but ahead of Lando, I would have put Carl Weather's character in "Predator" (Dillon was it?). He was pretty badass.
I think Christopher Walken is it.
1. Howard Stern (Expert communicator. Raised in Roosevelt. Has a home in the Hamptons.)
2. Steve Martin (Physically the whitest man alive next to Edgar Winters)
3. Jerry Jones (He would always speak "candidly")
Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly....
Basically true. Can we nominate hippies then, or does it have to be an individual person?
I nominated Samuel L. Jackson on the old site.
I would also like to add:
Jeff Foxworthy
Hugh Hefner
Trent Lott
Michael Rappaport
Michelle Malkin
Uncle Ruckus
...and Herc from The Wire
Bill-O
Bob Dylan
James Taylor
Bob Barker
Willie Nelson for so many reasons.
Please, no Christopher Walken. White people already go overboard with their love of Chris Walken. Oh, and everybody thinks they can do an impression.
Chevy Chase. Even his name says "White." Plus, I think he's free and needs the gig
Michelle Malkin is Asian. Granted she's a twinkie, but still an Asian.
Please, no Christopher Walken. White people already go overboard with their love of Chris Walken. Oh, and everybody thinks they can do an impression.
Madame President, Laura Roslin.
I thought Don Imus already had this job. Or did he blow it by going all soft over those Rutgers gals?
Assuming the I-man is disqualified, Kevin Costner would be a great choice. But I fear he's too lazy to handle the job.
Dennis Miller, perhaps? Backlash anger and resentment, wrapped in exculpatory humor, is key to the White Experience after all. Thinking about it, Dennis may be *too* angry and sweaty to capture the effortless sense of inherent privilege, although I'm sure he'd be all over the job.
Bill Maher? Or is he too self-absorbed?
Whoever takes it, though, will be a mere placeholder till either Trey Parker or Matt Stone grow a tad more bitter with age and step up to meet the challenge.
It has to be a white person who knows how to talk to black people, so here goes
1. Jeffrey Ross
2. Bill Simmons (Ta-Nehisi could maybe even get on his podcast)
3. Harrison Ford as Indiana Solo
I think #2 is the best realistic bet, and would be honored
Hmmm, maybe Drew Carey? The Price is Right is sort of the cucumber sandwich of daytime programming at this point.
Other nominees:
Wilford Brimley
John McCain
Brother Ali
Ernest Borgnine wants to know why anyone else is even up for discussion.
Bill Simmons? Are you kidding? Maybe the spokesman for Boston, but for white America? No way. The dude doesn't even watch NL baseball.
Reasons for Willie
He smokes more weed than anyone. He's laid back. He's as close to being a universal figure as a white dude can be. B.B. King's favorite song is "you were always on my mind" as sung by Willie Nelson.
What about Obama's mom?
Tom Hanks
Ryan Seacrest
Jack McCoy
Ernest Borgnine wants to know why anyone else is even up for discussion.
Chevy Chase. Even his name says "White." Plus, I think he's free and needs the gig
Given that there are a lot more white people than black people I think a single spokesperson needs to have a pretty substantial support staff.
With that in mind I nominate Huey Lewis AND the News.
(Possible conflict -- It appears that the News now has a black guy, so I'm not sure what role he'd play. Perhaps ambassador to Cloud City.)
Please God not Bill Simmons.
Stuff white people like was referenced, I'd go with it's author. Clander.
Gotta endorse the Chevy Chase suggestion above!
Hasn't Dubya been doing an effective job here??
/snark
Brangelina!!
As much as I like Alan Thicke and his two sons, I think the Huey Lewis and the News is a great idea. The best one so far. "Hip to be Square" could be our theme song. Duh.
you have the best post titles.
I think the fact that everyone thinks they can do a Christopher Walken impersonation is a great reason why he should be our spokesperson.
ernest borgnine does have a point though.
I'm not sure why everyone is choosing entertainers -- but I'll suggest someone who can be a bit of an entertainer, in a white midwestern way: Warren Buffet.
Are we limited by time? How about Shirley Temple?
Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce!
The Tom Hanks and Huey Lewis suggestions were also good. And if you're going to choose from "The Upside of Anger", why not Joan Allen?
John Travolta......you could really pick almost any of his roles .....but my personal fave is the mother from Hairspray.
1. Michael Phelps
2. Eddie Izzard
3. Pat Sajak
4. Kenneth the Page
5. Andrew Dice Clay
I like the Laura Roslin idea, even though she's a fictional character.
I'd like to nominate Werner Herzog. He's got an awesome voice and his ideas on man and nature are always entertaining, if a bit loopy.
Also, Bruce Campbell. Can't leave him out.
I'd go with either Walken or Mr. Willis from the Jeffersons.
I nominate either Colonel Sanders. He's grandfather-ish, a corporate capitalist, a military guy, and makes fried chicken!
My second choice sould be Uncle Ben.
Rick Astley
Can we draft Tiger Woods?
Christian Lander makes an excellent Caucasiod spokesperson, but only for the "right" sorts of white people.
Ah-nuld is Germanic, and thus uber-white. But in a good, post-nazi rah-rah America with a love of cheesey puns kind of way. Plus, he married a Kennedy, so we can see he's a uniter, not a divider.
John Cleese is always a good choice.
So is Bill Muarray.
Tony Blair's looking for a job, I hear.
Also, yes to Alicia Witt. Hell yes to redheaded women (naturals only please) in general. Strawberry blondes, too.
Bill Nye the Science Guy has been sorely neglected in this thread. Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!
I want to co-sign Christopher Walken and add Gary Busey
The obvious answer is Bill Cosby.
His views on race are usually met by most whites I know with stern nods of approval and a tacit, "that's what I would say if I could get away with it." This is exponentially more true if the Caucasian in question has ever said, "some of my best friends are black."
William Shatner or Bob Costas
I nominate:
Keanu Reeves
Carla Bruni
William Shatner
Barack Obama
There's a whole slew of 50s sitcom dads we're neglecting here: Robert Young (Father Knows Best); Fred MacMurray (My Three Sons); Hugh Beaumon (Leave it to Beaver); and Andy Griffith!
The answer is obvious: Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian. He speaks for us all!
I'd go with either Kelsey Grammar (as Sideshow Bob) or David Hyde Pierce (as Sideshow Bob's brother). A battle between Lando Calrissian and Sideshow Bob would indeed be epic.
William Shatner. I believe I'm the third to mention him. I'm OK with either him as himself or as Captain Kirk.
Also, Bill Cosby. I have had numerous conversations exactly as Matt described above.
I'd like to think Michael Emerson, playing Ben from "Lost," would be ideal. Note that Billy Dee Williams cameo'd on that show too so it all works.
This reminds me of Dave Chappelle's Race Draft
http://www.videosift.com/video/Chappelles-Show-The-Racial-Draft
I like the Kurt Russell nomination.
Particularly, if the incarnation comes from his John Carpenter '80s work - Escape From New York, The Thing, (and last but not least) Big Trouble in Little China.
I second William Shatner and Bruce Springsteen as nominees. And Larry Bird -- he's the tallest, whitest guy I could think of...
I was going to suggest Montgomery Burns, but Bill Cosby has to be it. I move the nominations be closed.
i'm still bitter about MF Doom losing for Black Spokesman... although Mr. Williams is a fine choice as well. Better PR skills.
i'm kind of drawing a blank for white spokesperson... there are so many more choices, but so many less standout ones... i guess I will second these guys who have already been mentioned, i feel like they're in the same vein as Billy Dee:
Tom Hanks
Chevy Chase
Peyton Manning
How about:
Conan O'Brien
None of these are really doing it for me... the problem is that white people, in America (and probably elsewhere too) don't seem to really overtly identify as primarily "white". it seems to be part of the background, like a 'default' race that only counts as a feature worthy of mention if you're non-default, like me or like black people. makes sense i guess, if, where you live, you're not a minority.
maybe we need someone white with more indignance, perhaps a measure of identifiable white pride, along with other spokesperson qualities, someone we could all like. i'm drawing a blank right now.. any suggestions along these lines? am i going in the wrong direction?
This reminds me of Dave Chappelle's Race Draft
http://www.videosift.com/video/Chappelles-Show-The-Racial-Draft
I really think it should be Slick Rick cuz he's mad articulate.
However, the smart money is on George Clooney or Tom Bradey, unless Putin decides he wants it.
You have my permission to act as the spokesperson for all white people, Ta-Nehisi.
If not you, then Charleton Heston.
I nominate
1. YODA
He complements the Black Spokesperson nicely. He's also very wise and spokesperson-y.
2. JOAN JETT
She's already got the WWJJD? thing going, so kind of already a spokesperson. Plus she's badass.
3. BILL GATES
Rich. Nerdy. Wants to save the world. Not bad.
4. HOWARD DEAN
Yeeeeeaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhh.
I just love Howard. And his time at the DNC is up soon, he needs a job.
5. BILL O.
Just to keep the crazy going. He'd give all the other Spokespersons stuff to talk about.
I second the Kurt Russell nomination, but only if he is specifically in-character as Jack Burton.
brett favre, of course. funboy mcgunslinger can expound on many of life's ills and how to overcome them. because of this, he is a model citizen to all who have the chance to view his glorious accomplishments. just look at his legendary games played streak - that's a testament to hard work that all americans can appreciate.
As a white guy, you always fear that one day this moment will come: having to choose between William Shatner and Christopher Walken.
Jimmy Kimmel?
Hip Hop artists seem to like him.
1) Larry David
2) Jeff Bridges as the Great Lebowski
3) Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
4) Mitt Romney during his put the family dog on the roof of the car phase.
Bill Clinton (though, having been outed by Toni Morrison as our First Black President, maybe he's really passing).
Steve Guttenberg!
Wow, there's a whole bunch of dudes being nominated (and Angelina Jolie and Emma Thompson and Obama's mom and Joan Jett). No love for women?
After her latest ad, I nominate Paris Hilton - and I never thought I'd say that.
Or Galadriel. (Or even Cate Blanchett.)
That being said, for dudes I'd pick either Neil Gaiman or Russ Feingold. Or Keith Olbermann.
Although I also second the nomination of Ben from Lost. Most definitely. Ditto Jon Stewart!
Patrick Stewart! He's so clean, so articulate and I think he's got a je nais se qua that a lot of black people will really respond to! He was a Shakespearean actor so it'd be great to have someone who represents perhaps whitedom's greatest writer. Just picture him and Billy Dee Williams at a joint press conference next time a cop kills a black kid in the Bronx; he's a perfect counterpoint.
It took like 60+ comments for anyone to suggest William Shatner, but only a fool would count him out. Don't call it a comeback... He's been here for years.
Shatner will conquer your world and steal your women. He is the Ur-Caucasian. Even Chuck Norris pales before his all-consuming whiteness.
My name... Is... Shatner... I speak... For the White... People... Of the Galaxy!
Willie Nelson! But William Shatner is a close second. Bonus that he's Canadian.
Patrick Stewart! He's so clean, so articulate and I think he's got a je nais se qua that a lot of black people will really respond to! He was a Shakespearean actor so it'd be great to have someone who represents perhaps whitedom's greatest writer. Just picture him and Billy Dee Williams at a joint press conference next time a cop kills a black kid in the Bronx; he's a perfect counterpoint.
1) Larry David
2) Jeff Bridges as the Great Lebowski
3) Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
4) Mitt Romney during his put the family dog on the roof of the car phase.
Patrick Stewart! He's so clean, so articulate and I think he's got a je nais se qua that a lot of black people will really respond to! He was a Shakespearean actor so it'd be great to have someone who represents perhaps whitedom's greatest writer. Just picture him and Billy Dee Williams at a joint press conference next time a cop kills a black kid in the Bronx; he's a perfect counterpoint.
I was going to suggest Montgomery Burns, but Bill Cosby has to be it. I move the nominations be closed.
I think there are 3 good candidates, one of whom has been raised already.
1) Mitt Romney is clearly the whitest man alive. However, his presidential run does not inspire hope in his abilities to handle the spokesperson duties. Also, he would have better hair than Billy Dee.
2) Tom Petty offers much of the same appeal as Willie Nelson, but in a more middle America friendly package. As far as I know, Wille Nelson has never played the Super Bowl half-time show.
3) In the interests of gender parity, I would nominate Oprah also. She has to be eligible because there are no black women.
1) Larry David
2) Jeff Bridges as the Great Lebowski
3) Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
4) Mitt Romney during his put the family dog on the roof of the car phase.
KT, you are so right. What are we thinking? Where's the women?
More nominees:
1. ANN RICHARDS
Could govern the state of Texas and ride a motorcycle simultaneously.
2. LADY SOVEREIGN
3. ANN COULTER
Another keep-providing-the-crazy nominee.
4. The SUPERNANNY
She could totally handle. Anything.
Bill Shatner or Bruce Campbell.
Nominees:
(1) Obama's grandmother from Kansas, but only if Obama wins the presidency;
(2) Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, but only if Obama loses the presidency;
(3) MSNBC white spokesperson: Chris Matthews, as media white person spokesperson. Great combo of implicit negative racial bias that comes out occasionally when he waxes about black people being "articulate" and a seemingly genuine, though awkward, ambivalent racism that promotes who he views as 'different' and to him, 'acceptable' black folks;
(4) Fox white spokesperson: that white guy in the red hat and the biker gang they always have on against the 'black spokesperson' they always have on.
Shelby Steele
1) Larry David
2) Jeff Bridges as the Great Lebowski
3) Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble
4) Mitt Romney during his put the family dog on the roof of the car phase.
I was going to jump on the Kurt Russell bandwagon, but then it hit me: Nathan Fillion.
I feel that I need to balance out the Shatner nominations with Adam West.
Also, Burt Reynolds deserves a mention.
And you could do worse than Meryl Streep, who is very talented and very, very white.
Norm McDonald doing an impression of Burt Reynolds. Now you got a deal. Its always been a terrible impression, but its actually become how I think of Burt Reynolds.
Chuck Norris!
Or Macgyver
2) Jeff Bridges as the Great Lebowski
Second.
Also potentially viable:
Vince Vaughn (or Owen Wilson for that matter)
Seth Rogen
Thanks Breukelyne!
And as the anti-Ann Richards, I'd like to add Gov. Sarah Palin. She can govern Alaska and abuse her power to interfere in a divorce case at the same time! Clearly adding a Spokesperson task to her agenda will be no big deal.
Seconding Duncan to nominate Oprah.
My list:
1. Harrison Ford (as either Han Solo or Indiana Jones)
2. Peyton Manning
3. Garrison Keiler (he should at least be the yuppy spokesperson)
4. Red Forman (from That 70's Show).
5. Billy Bob Thorton
Matt Damon, who brings flexibility to the role:
the smart guy - Will Hunting
the good guy bad ass - Jason Bourne
the sympathetic veteran - Jimmy Ryan
What do fist pounds have to do with black people? I am white, and pound it way more often than I shake hands, and this is true of all my white friends (and black friends). I always assumed it was a generational thing, not a racial thing.
I was going to nominate Clint Eastwood, but there's so many for Kurt Russel, especially his Jack Burton persona, that's clearly him.
Kurt Russel.
If nothing else, then the late-great Charles Bronson, because his guns do all the talking for him.
Oh, and also, I nominate Marc Ambinder.
This thread is hilarious.
Seconding Bruce. Or maybe Lewboski.
I second the earlier nominations for Tom Waits, Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan.
Clearly, Willie Nelson has to take the title.
1. He somehow manages to make country music cool, which means he can represent rednecks AND suburbanites.
2. He's an avowed pot-smoker who is hardly a fan of American foreign policy, yet for some reason social conservatives still love him. This means he can speak for white people ranging from limosine liberals to Bible-thumping right-wing zealots.
3. As a country music star, he fits beautifully with popular stereotypes of white people.
4. He can clearly talk to black people, as he's had a cameo in a Dave Chappelle movie.
5. Seriously - is there a white person alive who has ever had a problem with Willie Freakin' Nelson?
....Although Bill Shatner clearly deserves to be in contention.
1. Gregory Peck
2. Dave Thomas
3. The other Dave Thomas
Many here are mistakenly naming the whitest people. A race representative should represent all white cultural groups, not just yuppies or nerds (and, yes, I know there are black yuppies and nerds).
I think the William Shatner and Christopher Walken suggestions are outstanding. Shatner nuances cultural areas as diverse as literature and martial arts. Walken is clearly urbanite but could truly represent the 'cowbell' sector as well.
Willie Nelson if we want to both keep it real AND rise above the lowest common denominator.
"He can clearly talk to black people" - Hell he's done duets with Snoop Dog, B.B.King, Ray Charles and Wynton Marsalis.
The fact that he's both an avid golfer and an avid pothead pretty much says it all.
But I have a nasty feeling that the on-screen personas of Chevy Chase and/or Bill Murray are closer to the mark.
On the other hand...
We could just throw pretense out the window and go with Don Rickles.
what's with all the double/triple posts
In keeping with the spirit of the original list:
1) Captain America
2) Dwight Schrute
3) Harrison Ford (as Han Solo, natch)
4) Al Sharpton
5) Rush Limbaugh
6) Tavis Smiley
7) Galactus
8) Morgan Freeman
Some of these are great - I'm particularly fond of the Christopher Walken, Tom Waits, and William Shatner nods.
That said, I would recommend two more:
1) Barack Obama's grandmother (so we can take back the "typical white person" thing that the Clintonistas have been harping on ever since)
2) Dave Letterman's mom (assuming she's still alive)
Ta-Nehisi-
I'm sure you have a good handle on this, being with the Atlantic and all, but if you're feel uncomfortable being the right one to conduct this particular poll, may I suggest soliciting feedback from a white fellow blogger such as Matt Yglesias. Please stay away from Megan McArdle, though.
Someone suggested Ernest Borgnine. I'm don't think his candidacy can survive this scandal:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/08/14/ernest-borgnine-i-masturb_n_118938.html
I have it on good authority that Chris Matthews would like to submit his nomination:
--> Hillary Clinton -- "She's like the Al Sharpton of White People!"
Folks, you just can't beat that for an endorsement.
What about Jesse Jackson? The way I see it a top-of-the-line spokesman is up for grabs and us white people (do I count as white even though I'm a resident alien? It's hard to keep track these days) would be foolish to not take a hard look at this experienced free agent.
I'm going to have to post my objection to Christopher Walken. He speaks for only one man: Christopher Walken. He towers above the rest of humanity. He's simply a strange cat that no one can possibly relate to or understand. That makes him a lousy spokesperson. Also, when dealing with questions about white stereotypes such as "Why can't white people dance?" he'll simply be mystified.
I nominate that kid from "Powder";
or Michael Jackson;
or Gary Busey.
They're all really, really white, after all...
Seems to me the obvious answer is Brandi Chastain. But for my money, I nominate Tim Gunn.
I second:
Rickles
Bruce Campbell
Willie
Dwight Shrute
and
Shatner
I add to the nominations Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy.
...when the Asian American and Gay American voting opens George Takai should be first ballot for both.
I'm for Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Bill Murray. His rapport with the Wu Tang clan in coffee and cigarettes give him the edge on much needed communication skills.
Christopher Walken on the second ballot.
It pains me to type this, but.... Rachel Ray.
I am not white, mind you... I am darkly hued... but without question, the Man to Speak for All Whites is Alfonso Riberio in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire... AKA Carlton.
1) Tyler Durden
2) Shelby Foote
3) Mal Reynolds
4) Tony Starks
5) Jimmy McNulty
6) John Conner
Ta-Nehisi-
I'm sure you have a good handle on this, being with the Atlantic and all, but if you're feel uncomfortable being the right one to conduct this particular poll, may I suggest soliciting feedback from a white fellow blogger such as Matt Yglesias. Please stay away from Megan McArdle, though.
Funny how Kevin Costner is the "swing vote" in film Swing Vote. With the "rise" of a woman, black and elder politician, hollywood wants to recenter the election drama around the lost white middle-aged male vote.
Who is whiter than Megan McArdle?
Plus, her politics are in the right quadrant without going goofball.
I'll give her my vote.
Ignore asl, although Yglesias would not be a bad choice. Plus, he wouldn't abuse his position to score all the hot chicks.
The love child of George W. Bush and Janet Reno.
I am not white, mind you... I am darkly hued... but without question, the Man to Speak for All Whites is Alfonso Riberio in the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire... AKA Carlton.
Robert Downey Jr.
Woody Allen
Michael Jackson
Vladimir Putin
If only Orson Welles was still alive.
Seems to me the obvious answer is Brandi Chastain. But for my money, I nominate Tim Gunn.
1. Jesus. You're welcome.
2. Howard Wolfson. Because it worked so well the first time.
3. Toby Keith. Just to keep the storyline going.
4. Tom Cruise. Because all of us are crazy.
Another vote for Christopher Walken.
(with Alicia Witt as deputy spokesperson).
Mary Louise Parker. You know it.
Can I switch my vote to William Shatner? (And for the posters above who suggested Chuck Norris, isn't he already the designated spokesman for all males regardless of race?)
Any chance we could get you to take Ward Connerly, Thomas Sowell, or Alan Keyes off our hands, guys?
professordarkheart
Only if you will take Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Carrot Top, and the guy who invented pepsi one.
OMG, Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris doesn't have to talk to people to be spokesman, they will just hear the words they are supposed to hear.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to call a press conference, the press conference calls HIM.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to clarify his remarks, the remarks clarify themselves.
The list begins and ends with Bill O'Reilly.
He can also pinch hit for Billy Dee because he (now) knows the finer points of black-restaurant etiquette.
Mal Reynolds?
My one time congressman?
Great nominee!
Is this only for the U.S.? If so, does the person have to be a native-born American, or can they be a naturalized citizen?
And one point. I don't know if Ta-Nehisi brought this up, but Billie Dee Williams was, of course, the black presidential candidate who set in motion the plot of "Undercover Brother." So he truly is qualified to be the black spokesperson.
And speaking of which: Neil Patrick Harris. C'mon, Doogie Howser! (Does the fact that he's gay make him ineligible?)
Is this only for the U.S.? If so, does the person have to be a native-born American, or can they be a naturalized citizen?
And one point. I don't know if Ta-Nehisi brought this up, but Billie Dee Williams was, of course, the black presidential candidate who set in motion the plot of "Undercover Brother." So he truly is qualified to be the black spokesperson.
And speaking of which: Neil Patrick Harris. C'mon, Doogie Howser! (Does the fact that he's gay make him ineligible?)
Oliver Stone's "Wall Street" will convince any of you out there that Gordon Gekko deserves the honor.
My final nomination will be the generic men/women they use for stock photos in picture frames. You don't get any wholesome and "ahem" all-American than that.
I nominate Jello Biafra!
brucds, Ernest Borgnine truthfully insists that masturbation is never scandalous, and defends it as an inherent American right. Or rite. Whichever.
The list begins and ends with Bill O'Reilly.
He can also pinch hit for Billy Dee because he (now) knows the finer points of black-restaurant etiquette.
Looks like my original post vanished. If it reappears later, apologies.
Garrison Keilor. He can hold court weekly from Lake Woebegon.
professordarkheart and sorn are reminding me to ask:
When do we get to do the Bringing-Down-the-Whole-Race Representative swap? There's a LOT of people I'd like to get rid of.
1. Wes Anderson
2. Andrew Sullivan (although the Michelle Malkin shout out was pretty much perfect).
3. Ian McShane as Al Swearengen.
4. Neil Diamond.
5. Larry Bird.
Such great choices.
I'd like to add Robert Plant. Clearly extremely white, has a great love for and understanding of music from just about every corner of the world. Best of all, still has hair which could cover several of the world's smaller countries. Can also drown out opposing voices with his banshee wail if needed. Of course, would prefer to croon them into submission.
Going through the suggestions, I offer seconds for:
Bill Nye
Toby Keith
Joe Biden
Peyton Manning
Bill Simmons
Tom Hanks
Bill Cosby
Mitt Romney
Bob Costas
Michael Scott
Bill Murray
And the best: Vladimir Putin
Seriously, though, it's gotta be Costas. America (White America?) loves that guy.
Mickey Rourke.
Is this for all Caucasians the world over or just Caucasian Americans?
Lots of Canadians and Brits nominated so far and I question their eligibility.
I'll second
David Byrne
Tom Waits
Neil Patrick Harris (as Dr. Horrible)
and add:
Lisa Simpson (yellow, but sill Caucasian?)
John Waters
I can only assume we're nominating someone to fill in for Chuck Norris when he's unavailable.
I nominate Seth Rogen (or anyone from the Apatow gang.)