Alright white folks, here's your shot. You too can be portrayed as
one-dimensional by the mainstream. You too can now have a go-to
mouthpiece for lazy reporters and cable-news clucking heads. Your
choices are indeed staggering. But there can only be one. Who will be
megaphone-bearer?
UPDATE: Polls close tomorrow, white folks. You will be awarded your spanking new racial spokesperson at on Monday. I'd like to say that, thus far, I've heard all your voices and understand your strong desire to see Jeff speak for you. Even if it isn't expressed in poll numbers. I know it's expressed in your heart, and I would know because I've watched Seinfeld, played some Toby Keith and even considered a cucumber sandwich. Hey come on, I read Stuff White People Like too!
The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood 
Copyright © 2009 by The Atlantic Monthly Group. All rights reserved.
I voted for Stephen Colbert because he's the choice who most looks like Bill Nye.
Our goal here should be to get Ta-Nehisi on tv. Vote Colbert!
I'd have voted for Colbert like everyone else seemed to, but I'm much more terrified of Galactus.
I love Colbert, but he's really not the right guy for this. He's already too drenched in irony for a contest that's supposed to generate a fresh manifestation of irony.
where's willie?
oh yeah the process isn't supposed to be democratic and is supposed to reflect how white talking heads always refer to sharpton when in reality sharpton only speaks for himself.
I guess that leaves Colbert
Galactus will always have a special place in my heart, but I'm voting Leia.
Tamir Goodman? Isn't having one ridiculous tagname enough. One man should not be trusted with both "The Jewish Jordan" and "The Go To White Guy".
Not an impressive set of choices for such a momentous role as White Spokesman. Colbert's great, but he's a parody act. No love for Shatner. Most of the better nominations were vetoed. Ta-Nehisi, why are you trying to keep the white man down?
After much consideration, I'm casting a write-in vote for Joe Pesci. Youse gotta problem wit dat?
Come on everyone fight the obvious choice of Colbert. He's great, of course but between the cultural capital he already has and becoming spokesperson for white people, that would be too much power for one man to have.
Kurt Russell is my man.
I would vote for Andy Griffith as Andy Taylor. I think at the end of one episode Andy, Opie and Galactus actually went fishing together. Nuff said.
I like Colbert just like everyone else here, but we're not always supposed to be in love with our spokesperson. Remember, we need to be able to look at the cable "news" show and ask "why the F*** are they asking that guy?" In addition, this person needs to take him/herself too seriously, and that is the opposite of Colbert.
I voted Jeff because he's demonstrated the qualities I'm looking for.
I'm casting my write-in vote for Garrison Keilor.
As long as its not that absurd Ultimate version of Galactus, its not a hard decision in the least.
Question is, who's the white man's herald?
Garrison Keilor does have excellent cred in that he already has a literal voice for white Lutheran midwestern people with simple straightforward values, who seemingly are the only audience that matter this election. (I think the voter registration is going to give people a surprise on that front, though.)
C3PO is a much better representative than Leia or Galactus.
I'm sooo disappointed in the selection. No William Shatner even though he'd been a heavy favorite in the nomination process. And wasn't it supposed be real people rather than characters or dead people? Dead people make very bad spokesmen. So disappointed.
Leona Helmsley isn't the spokeswoman for all white people. She's the spokeswoman for all white people's dogs.
Besides, I have no problem voting for a fictional character, but a real person that is now dead seems like a stretch.
I'm sooo disappointed in the selection. No William Shatner even though he'd been a heavy favorite in the nomination process. And wasn't it supposed be real people rather than characters or dead people? Dead people make very bad spokesmen. So disappointed.
After further consideration of the nominees, I have concluded that this entire exercise, including the noimation thread, has been a sociological experiment perpetrated on all us white folks by the mighty TNC. For just as white powerbrokers in the elite media have for decades chosen which voices will represent "black interests," Mr. Coates has turned the tables by offering a narrow and unrepresentative slate of white representative candidates. My guess is that the "voting" has been rigged as well by Mr. Coates and his shadowy coterie of elite brothers.
I can't believe Colbert is leading. Wake up white people! Smug irony is so 90s. Whiteness needs a sincere flak. Vote Morgan Freeman!
Which one did you add, Ta-Nehisi? Galactus? (If so, you rule!)
Folks! Don Draper is the only choice. He's bright, well dressed, clean, articulate. Unlike Colbert, he's intensely earnest. However, his mysterious past lends him the humility and post-modern tint that our spokesman needs. Also, he looks good in skinny ties. Draper for the win.
Duh. In this case, our black overlords have presented us with a full slate of candidates, all but one of which are not popular enough to win the prize. The only one popular enough to win, is of course, a jester.
That's exactly what whites have done to blacks for years.
And I, for one, welcome...
Nevermind.
I voted for Kurt Russell. He's easily the best caucasian spokesperson.
However, I was sorely tempted by Galactus. Unfortunately, he is not actually caucasian. Our brains interpret his image in this way because we would be destroyed or go insane of we were privy to the true form of Galactus.
Tamir Goodman! Woah. I know, Baltimore and all, but you really pulled that one out your backside :)
I couldn't pull the trigger for him as my spokesmodel though, but it WAS tempting.
Ellen DeGeneres would be perfect if Regis is unavailable.
Re:really?
I would totally be down if I could get Galactus as the spokeperson and Kurt Russell as his herald.
Did you see Leia on SNL around the time of the movie when they did a beach party skit in honor of her parents? God she was hot when she did the limbo.
She speaks to me. I want a flexible spokesbabe
Did you see Leia on SNL around the time of the movie when they did a beach party skit in honor of her parents? God she was hot when she did the limbo.
She speaks to me. I want a flexible spokesbabe
Gotta go with Freeman because there is nothing more reassuring to white people than avuncular black men with gray hair.
But Colbert Rules!!!!
Did you see Leia on SNL around the time of the movie when they did a beach party skit in honor of her parents? God she was hot when she did the limbo.
She speaks to me. I want a flexible spokesbabe
It simply has to be Morgan Freeman. Why else would they use his voice in every advertisement voice over ever done?
The man played God for...um, his sake.
As a white person I am outraged.
Ta-Nehisi has rigged the democratic process so that white people will be denied their one true spokesperson.
William Shatner! or no one!
really the lack of shatner as a choice is apalling.
True, Stephen Colbert doesn't take himself to seriously, but STEPHEN COLBERT does take himself to seriously, so...
I would only vote for Leia if it's the Gold Bikini Leia.
THAT is why "Jedi" is the best Star Wars movie.
Having said that, if you're not with Colbert you're against him. And really, who wants to be in that position? Not me.
What? No one nominated Zack Morris from Saved By the Bell? Where's Jessie from Full House? Alas, I've come too late.
Hm, the only problem with this poll is that I think a lot of us really and truly *would* want Colbert to be our one voice... I'm not sure that the Billy Dee poll had a similar choice :)
That said, I had to vote Galactus. I mean, come on!
Stephen is the popular choice and I must admit I was tempted too but Don Draper had to be my pick. The problem with Colbert is he looks and sounds like a geek; wit can only take you so far. Draper on the other hand is smarter (and drunker), than anyone else in the room, he looks better and every woman fawns over him. These qualities make him much more endearing than some comedy central jester! Plus the Colbert Nation is turning into an online poll cult. 'Rain!'
I voted for Don Draper, for many of the reasons already stated. However, after some thought, I think another Mad Men character would make for a much better spokesman for white people. I speak, ofcourse, of Pete Campbell. He's entitled but insecure, a whiner full of bravado, can be charming but undermines himself by trying too hard, scheming but it usually backfires....he is Mr. White People.
Having just seen Tropic Thunder, and in the spirit of the Colbert tidal wave, I think that black folk should be "spokesed" by Robert Downey Jr. as Aussie actor Kirk Lazarus as African-American actioner Sgt. Lincoln Osiris. Osiris profoundly engages the broad spectrum of African-American cultural history in search of cliches - from The Jeffersons to Benson.
Also, while there's still time, I nominate as a late white spokesman write-in - also from Tropic Thunder - Tom Cruise as producer Les Grossman. He makes Gordon Gekko and Don Draper seem like weenies tip-toeing throught the tulips. White America wants a spokesman who will unequivocally tell the rest of the world to go fuck themselves. Les Grossman is that man.
Of the choices presented, I'd go with Galactus because he best symbolizes the impermeable dominance of white culture in the post-Ghengis Khan world - along with the heavy guilt he feels and all the shit he's detroyed feeding his lifestyle, not that he does anything about it. However, I think Jesus would be a good choice as well. Not only is he white - just check him out sometime - but he's got great abdominal definition and people are always taking him out of context and accusing him of being racist. Yeah he's a white guy, but he's a compassionate, sensitive white guy. I'll bet he'd even vote for Obama.
Let's get real. Anyone who votes for someone other than Galactus is putting the very existence of our planet at peril. Can you live with that? I can't.
Galactus, hands down. haha
Galactus, hands down. haha
The interesting question is if the poll stays open through the next Colbert episode, will he urge people to vote for him or will he suggest someone else?
Hard to vote against Snake Plisskin. Solid pick.
As a black person who didn't vote from a sense of fair play, I URGE white folks to vote Galactus!
Who else but the Devourer of Worlds? That's "of WORLDS" people!!!!!
With Colbert as the current front-runner I have to question the judgment of the readership.
I am also disappointed with Ta-N for the nominations, but then again he's black so he wouldn't understand our needs as a people.
I don't even know who Jeff is. Or Galactus. I guess that makes me a schmuck, but I'm pretty sure if you polled 100 white people, 80% wouldn't know them either.
If I had to make a choice, I'd pick Kurt Russell. But I'm going to go with my heart and pick Bob from "drinking with bob"
See http://www.drinkingwithbob.com/
That guy is a freakin genius, and very representative of my sort of white folk.
I ask for a second round, so the anti-Colbert forces can unite on an appropriate figure. Whiteness is not self-aware, and not particularly clever either -- the point is that it doesn't have to be.
With Colbert as the current front-runner I have to question the judgment of the readership.
I am also disappointed with Ta-N for the nominations, but then again he's black so he wouldn't understand our needs as a people.
I don't even know who Jeff is. Or Galactus. I guess that makes me a schmuck, but I'm pretty sure if you polled 100 white people, 80% wouldn't know them either.
If I had to make a choice, I'd pick Kurt Russell. But I'm going to go with my heart and pick Bob from "drinking with bob"
See http://www.drinkingwithbob.com/
That guy is a freakin genius, and very representative of my sort of white folk.
To those of you who answered anything other than "Galactus," go f**k yourselves.
just call me "plisken"
If Colbert wins this thing, you need to dethrone Williams and replace him with Chappelle.
Wait a minute... This poll is rigged! The only good choice on here is Stephen Colbert!
(Good job Ta-Nehisi. The relevant 50% of me thanks you for getting rid of Shatner.)
Snake Plissken will kick Colbert's ass anytime, anyplace.
This internet poll sucks. It only allows you to vote once. What chance does Ron Paul have ?
I can't wait for Stephen to come back after this week's vacation and recognize on his show that he's now officially 'the one' spokesman for all white people. Who knows, maybe he'll ask Ta-Nehisi on the show to become his new black friend?
Thank god Garrison Keillor isn't a nominee, or I would have to officially renounce my whiteness.
Thank god Garrison Keillor isn't a nominee, or I would have to officially renounce my whiteness.
Amen.
If only Ward Cleaver were still alive...
If only Ward Cleaver were still alive...
I second the call for a second round. Colbert is already a joke...if you voted for him I think you missed the point.
Call me paranoid, but I have a feeling a certain writer would like to get on TV.
That being the case, mark me down for Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones as a write-in.
While I still stand behind my vote for Colbert, one must remember that he himself claims not to see color.
Also, is he allowed to have TWO black friends? Or is one the limit?
How can Colbert possibly be the spokesperson for white people when he admits that he does not see race!?!
Of the choices here, Morgan Freeman has to be it. White people crave someone who makes them feel better about themselves.
If I were more familiar with Galactus, maybe I'd reconsider.
And I must show some love for the suggestion over at Free Darko of Bob Costas, who, at least in his Olympic incarnation, seems to embody so many of white America's pieties, while almost, but not quite, seeming apologetic for it.
I'm a Jew. Can I vote in this?
And when can we have an election for Leader of the Jews?
My vote: Aryan Jesus, because he is what all Jews secretly want to be: Blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, and accepted by the goys.
Okay, seriously, I thought Bill O'Reilly was our spokesperson. When he talks about "the folks," doesn't he mean white people?
Oh shit. I thought this election was over. Nice to see Ta-Nehisi stringing it out - after shoving his candidates down our throats. I'm not buying it.
Without the inclusion of Les Grossman, the only white spokesperson worth even talking about in a post 8/13 world - the day Tropic Thunder opened for any of you Pointy-Headed Professorial Elitists (TMc) out there - I say "Poll Unity My Ass."
And Gofuck Yourselves !!!!
"How can Colbert possibly be the spokesperson for white people when he admits that he does not see race!?!"
Exactly. We white people don't see race ... and we get annoyed when people refer to the reality* of racial inequality.
*which is well-known to have a liberal bias
If Ta-Nehisi doesn't do the right thing and include Les Grossman in this poll...see you over here, bitches:
http://africanamericans.johnmccain.com/Site.aspx
I think you have to go Jeff Foxworthy. He is the epitome of what white Americans think they are - nice to a fault, hard working, "in touch" with heartland values, a bit dorky, and THINKING they are funny - when really, they aren't.
Also, in this vein - you could also choose Bob Saget, from Full House glory days.
However, this has been eclipsed by Saget's star turn in The Aristocrats - we don't like our "typical american" quite so filthy - as well as the fact that Bob Saget has somehow transformed into this bodybuilder named Vic - http://www.youtube.com/user/vicsnatural - (check out the video's, same face, and similar voice - who says there are no 2nd acts in american life?)
Having seen Tropic of Thunder last night, I can also attest that - Grossman would be an AWESOME choice. Really, almost the dark side of Jeff Foxworthy - completely different but both "only in America".
So, we can have sort of a Jeckyl/Hyde spokesman - Jeff Foxworthy/Les Grossman. Nice dorky "heartland" white guy/creepy power-mad "go f*ck yourself" white guy.
Both, of course, think they're cool.
That's white American right there for ya.
If I'm picking someone to represent whiteness in all it's glory... can I pick Dave Chappelle in "white-face"?
Just do the twist... can't go wrong with the twist...
"Jeff Foxworthy/Les Grossman" ??? WTF???
If that little hasbeen redneck is on a ticket with the awesome Les Grossman it's "LES GROSSMAN/foxworthy" goddamit.
Don't make tell you to Gofuck Yourself!
For the love of reason can someone please tell me who Jeff is?
gotta be stephen colbert.
he is the whitest guy on tv.
the great thing about it is that he knows it and isn't ashamed of it.
stephen, my guy.
And while we're talking about spokespeople for races, can you decent black folk please do something about the black israelites? They're outside my office right now spewing some hate speech about fake jews and gays and whites (pretty much everyone whose not black and wearing a silly costume). The Police are following their usual stand-down order for this sort of thing.
The blisraelites suck, to put it plainly, and if you put a stop to them, we whites might agree to silence an absurd and hateful section of our race. I would, as a first offer, agree so put an end to white guys who whine endlessly about black quarterbacks and football coaches (yes they are still out there, grumbling over their bud lights and 10-cent wings in tacky suburban sports bars). Since my offered group is a bit larger, I would consider additional groups of similar type.
I am sorry, but only Sauron really qualifies to speak for us white people. The Dark Tower serves cucumber sandwiches that are just to die for! Enough of the tokenism - we demand full whiteness. As in blackness. Oh....
I motion that we nix the voting and move this thing to a Cucumber-Sandwich-Assemble-Off.
The contestant who makes the best cucumber sandwiches wins the title of White Spokesperson. And the first 3 seasons of Friends on DVD.
These candidates are all unfit for the job: actors, fictional characters, women, Jews, nonwhites, dead people, ... . Not what we're looking for. Most have more than one disqualification (the guy in the lead, a colorless actor/character, has three). Bob Costas, Dr. Phil, David Brooks, Chris Matthews - now those are white people. (I know, Brooks is Jewish, but at least he's not so in-your-face about it.)
Pat Buchanan should be the guy. Granted, Pat is worse than Al SHarpton in so many ways, but he'd serve the purpose of pissing white liberals off, like: "Why is HE speaking on our behalf?"
Its time for you t make the executive decision and pick Pat. It would oh so be perfect for you to chose someone who isn't even in the list AND to chose someone like him. Make it happen.
Deleted for bad imitation of a coworker. At least be funny.
Ta-Nehisi
I think this poll, with the measly 3% for Tamir Goodman reveals the dirty little secret of anti-semitism in the White community. It's usually assumed that because Jews and Whites share a few important traits, e.g. whiteness, they must have harmonious relation...but time and time again, we see little signs that this isn't necessarily the case. While it's nowhere near as widespread nor reprehensible a phenomenon as Black or Hispanic anti-semitism, White leaders have a responsibility to step up and denounce it.
This is really, really funny. It's showing up on other blogs too (just saw a reference to this on Matt Y's new home). I'm in agreement with the earlier comment that you, Mr. Coates, ought to summarily disregard the results of this poll and pick the white spokesperson yourself, or better yet, convene a black paternalist meeting to make the decision. Then all black media personalities need to go to whoever that spokesperson is for all comments on anything "white". Please, please, please! Pick someone for us! We can't really do it ourselves.
What you need to do is nix Colbert. Wonderful, but completely unsuited to the task. I voted Kurt Russell, but only because you're sorely lacking in Guttenberg.
How about Bob Saget?
This really should be Tommy Lee Jones, because we whites need a spokesman who can ask the black spokesman "Did you really think they were gonna let YOU play Two-face?"
Where was Wayne Brady? He's the white man's Bill Clinton.
When we white people finally get a spokesperson will I still have to eat in the kitchen when company comes?
Damn, I am pretty white and I don't think I would recongize a Toby Keith song for the life of me. I have never even thought of eating a cucumber sandwich. Though to keep my WASPy cred, I damn sure would see to it that it had mayo and not miracle whip.
However, I am guilty of watching a rerun of Seinfeld last night and I have REM playing on my computer right now.