Sigh. Got a call from school. The kid and one of his friends in mischief--again. Regrettably, I'll be slightly preoccupied teaching the boy the values of trust, respect and love (in that order). We begin with a toothbrush and scouring powder...
The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood 
Copyright © 2009 by The Atlantic Monthly Group. All rights reserved.
Ah, being sent home from school. Brings back memories.
Don't be too hard on them- it happens to the best of us. And I turned out OK.
Funny you say that Spottie. I was just telling Kenyatta that the key is to make them understand that this is serious business, while knowing in your head that's it's really all a part of the process. Trust me, I was much worse when I was his age. At least he does his homework.
TNC,
Don't make the kid brush his teech with scouring powder. That's just cruel...
Oh, wait...
Haha. Having flashbacks of childhood Stacy?
My daughter is almost five and in kindergarten. We now review "school manners" every day on the way to school and offer her a small reward at the end of the day if we get a good report. We punish too for bad behavior but we're trying as hard as we can not to get caught up in a negative power struggle. We instituted all this because we were starting to get too many reports of problems (our daughter is one tough little lady - and an only child). I guess I'm saying all this because any parent who reads this post understands. Good luck!!!
Here's a great punishment that's harmless, painful, and healthy all at the same time.
1. Brush teeth using minty fresh Crest.
2. Administer 8oz. orange juice.
Beats just about anything for a bad psychological memory.
good luck with your kid.
i would offer this however...
negotiating school for an african-american male child can be extremely tough. i don't know what the particulars of your kids circumstances were, obviously, but in my professional capacity, i saw plenty of young boys get absolutely jammed, by school administrators, for mischief that would have barely warranted a stern talking-to if the kid was not an african-american male.
i'd be inclined to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, IF one might be appropriate...
HUgh, your post reminds me of a conversation I had with a man who instructed military flight instructors which has echoed in my mind on numerous occasions as a parent. In short:
All performance tends towards the mean. Above average performance will likely be followed by poorer performance; below average performance will likely be followed by better performance.
This creates the illusion that negative re-enforcement is effective and that positive re-enforcement is ineffective.
Paradoxically, instructors (or parents) receive negative re-enforcement for giving positive re-enforcement, and positive re-enforcement for giving negative re-enforcement.
You can see the sort of loop this can set up if an instructor (or parent) is not aware of this paradox.
Watching professional animal trainers is also instructive. They are lavish with praise. Positive re-enforcement is virtually the default state, interrupted only occasionally by proximate and acute negative re-enforcement. It's not uncommon for parents to use inverse tactics with their charges, with predictable results.
Make him read Republican talking points; that ought to make him seriously reflect next time. (For example, today the RTP is "The press might ask mean questions, so Palin shouldn't speak to them until they show her respect.")
Tony's last point is absolutely true, but as I have no idea of your actual parenting issues I'll just note it as a good one for a general childrearing discussion that may or may not have any applicability in this case. Since you made a point of popping into school earlier, I would guess you're on top of the involved-yet-not-Blackhawk parenting thing.
We are clear that the boy isn't brushing his teeth with scouring powder right? Everyone understands that, no? The toothbrush and scouring powder is to clean the bathroom with.
TNC,
My post was an attempt at humor. Maybe a bad one, but an attempt all the same. I think everyone's with you...ha!
Tony,
Two points:
1) Animal trainers receive way more training before being put in charge of animals than any of us did before being put in charge of our little humans;
2) The same love and emotions that make it matter so much can make it really, really hard to parent well.
I got you Stacy. The rest of these guys though...
Please don't misunderstand, I am an advocate of both the carrot and the stick; each applied (as best as I can discern) at the right time and in the appropriate measure.
When the boy's done with your bathroom, the grout in ours could use a good scrubbing. The key is under the matt.
What works on my 8-year-old and 4-year-old daughter is "The Look." Especially from my wife. Have you tried "The Look," TNC?
My personal favorite is to say "I'm really disappointed in you."
Both of these tactics reduce my daughters to tears. And it makes them eager to please the next time.
Hope this helps,
P
In the category of effective consequences--one of my wife's students was warned by his father that "if the principal calls to tell me you've gotten into mischief again, I will come to school with you for the day and stay right with you all day."
After this happened once, there were no problems for several months.
Paul,
No disrespect, but sons are whole 'nother ballgame. They'll make you wish for daughters.
Ha. I have both. Now I understand why parents of teen daughters wish for sons.
Also, just with my two children, things that worked well for the first don't with the second, and vv. Time outs worked with my daughter because they deprived her of an audience, and they worked with my son because he needed to be on his own to calm down, and by age 2 90% of his timeouts were self-imposed. (Leading to many versions of this: "Time to get your sister." "No it isn't. I'm in timeout!" "Oh yes it is! You can put yourself back in timeout when we get home if you want to!") So I can certainly see where timeouts would not work at all for some children, like my son's very intense friend Audrey.
As punishment, you should force your boy to watch continuous coverage of Paulson's Congressional testimony on C-SPAN.
That will teach him!
All of my lil cousins (any time I feel like I want a kid I borrow a cousin and the urge goes RIGHT AWAY) haaaaated time outs, lol. Family of attention-lovers- boys and girls!
Although with one cousin, I would have to stay with him during the time out or he would totally lose it. He really hated being alone and I just couldn't do it, so I'd stay but not talk. Just hug him until he calmed down and stayed quiet for a while.
Now he's a teenager, and would probably be grossed out if I hugged him. I miss those days!
Spending ten minutes with my brother's three sons makes me glad I have two girls.
Time outs worked on my oldest, the youngest would throw such a fit it was hard to calm her down
One other bit of advice:
Unless you have a kink for receiving advice that is well-meaning, but totally useless to your particular situation, never, ever, ever tell anyone who you wouldn't trust with your life that your kid is having problems or that you're having problems with your kid. Do that, and people think it's their right, no their obligation to tell you what you're doing wrong.
I'm guessing the boy wasn't breast-feed long enough.
I'm a few years away from the issue, but from what I understand, sons are a lot worse until puberty, when they start to mellow out. Ultimately, if you keep them healthy and out of jail, boys are usually in good shape.
The problems faced by girls on the other hand, tend to multiply as they age. They have not only worry about themselves, but everyone else as well.
I'm glad I have a long time to prepare...
frankie d is right - check for disparate punishments. What you are probably going to find is that boys "are involved" in four or five times the number of incidents leading to discplinary action, and that punishments are more severe, than with girls. It's just the famle sentencing discount at an earlier age. Then add in the effects of race on the judgement of the teachers and adminstrators. Don't be surprised at all to find that the race of the teacher or adminstrator has no effect on this. A group of parents in our area sued and won on this. The district's own stats were the evidence.
Naturally that all may have nothing to do with how the other conversation goes.
Tony,
I don't mind. I might learn something. Seriously, what have I got to hide? First, I wrote a whole book about the ignorant isht I pulled as a kid. Second, anyone who has kids and claims to not have problems is either lying or a child-abuser. There is no other way.
Coates, you might wanna take your sarcasm detector to the shop for a re-calibration.
If he doesn't learn this time around, sentence him to an afternoon of smooth jazz.
As my grandmother, who had 10 kids, 6 girls/4 boys, always says, "boys start out hard and end up easy, girls start out easy and end up hard"
by the time homes is twelve you won't even need to worry about him.
Too true Tony. Anyone can get it--or not.
shawn,
lol!!
yep, make him stay in his room and play kenny g playing on a loop all day.
that'll get his attention.
a fate worse than death!!!
While my sample size of two does suggest that little boys are way (way, way, way) more work, and require many more trips to the ER, than little girls, I am not so sure I buy the line that teenage boys are easy. I remember some incredible testosterone-fueled fights between my brothers when they were teenagers. Maybe it is the tween (I hate that word) years that are easier for boys, because by 10 or so girls are basically teenagers? Or maybe teen boys just aren't all that easy either. Parenting is just a ton of work, period.
Congratulations on making the approval matrix and sorry that your kid got in trouble. Hope you're not punishing him with any of those old-school tactics like making him scour the bathroom with a tooth brush. That would be just mean.
Interesting to read this today after just giving my 6-year-old son a stern talking-to after he got sent home today from NYC (Brooklyn) public school for punching another boy in the stomach. First kid in his grade to have a disciplinary write-up this fall.
Since I, like you're saying, was a little fuxor at his age, it's kind of hard figuring out what to say, other than "No hitting first."
(Storing away that scrubbing-the-bathroom-with-a toothbrush thing for later, though, that's some good shiznit).
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