Are we going to spend the next days trying to concoct exotic scenarios in which the dastardly Republicans steal this one?
All-Star commenter Deborah responds:
Why not? It could be like a fanfic contest, with links to the craziest diatribes by actual Republicans. (Andrew linked to one at RedState earlier today--McCain-Palin blowout, bitches! The press is evil and in the can and the polls are wrong because tightening in the national polls by a fraction means blowouts in all swing states because state polls don't matter. Also, McCain won the poll after Labor Day.) And we could try our hand at 24-esque, or Mission Impossible-esque, or Chuck-esque, scenarios.
For example, this week Chuck had to get a creepy nerd herder Jeff (who once sported a mullet, and won Slim Jims) to play Atari's Missile Command and retrieve secret missile codes from the fabled burn screen; this could easily be adapted to hacking voting machines.
Game on. Let us delve into the high-minds of kvetching liberals everywhere. How will we blow this one fellow lefties?
Is the Voting Rights Act actually a cursed scroll that mandates a century of Republican rule? Will the Arch-Lich, Lee Atwater, rise from the tomb and cast a spell to seal Obama's doom? Is Michael Goldfarb actually Tiamat, in human form? Is Nate Silver the Terminator sent back in time by futuristic Diebold machines? Is Barack Obama Arthas? Is Dick Cheney Ner'Zhul? Oh...my... God...I just remembered. They're cousins!!! Nooooo!!!11ONEELEVEN!!1
Remember that thing your great uncle told you about white people, while his white wife was cooking dinner? Was it really true???? They are a tricky bunch...Will there be bar-codes on our necks? Will it be the Illumanati? The Trilateral commission? Will the 2k virus finally strike?? Are those Sentinels flying overhead?? Are the storm-troopers massing at the gate??? Why are you still reading this?!?!!!! What's that sound outside...Gaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood 
Even as we speak, GOP operatives are spiking barrels of Starbucks coffee and bottles of wine costing $14 and up with time-release sedatives. By the time we wake up on Wednesday, the election will be over and McCain will be president.
NOoooooo!!!!!!1111oneone
I have been loathe to face it but white people may be agents of C'Thulu.
Are you really so complacent? Shouldn't you be telling people to get out and vote? I hope you save this post when they're turns out to be an upset on Nov. 4th.
Nothing is promised folks. Dr. King said progress never comes on the wheels of inevitability.
Via John Cole's Balloon Juice, here's an apparently serious sixty-seven page PDF document entitled "An Examination of Obama's Use of Hidden Hypnosis Techniques in His Speeches" (PDF). These shocking revelations will infuriate America, and the subsequent release of the reporters the Obama campaign has held enthralled by daring bands of McCain/Palin voters (who will courageously tackle anyone with a microphone or camera and stick a tin-foil hat on their head), will rapidly turn the media narrative around. Reporters will joyously return to their tire swings and play the role they were meant to play originally - uncritical McCain campaign mouthpieces - giving McCain a win in every state except Illinois and Hawaii.
Not exactly in line with the contest, but I think this is probably the best place to ask.
I was cheering for the Cubs.
I grew up in Vancouver, with a proud history of losing sports franchises -- the Canucks have NEVER won a Stanley Cup. (Okay, the BC Lions do okay, but really, who cares about Canadian football.)
Basically, I have terrible luck in terms of backing winners.
So, should I change sides and cheer for McCain? It would seem unnatural, and I'm so honestly worried that putting a craps player with a bad temper in charge of several thousand, nuclear warheads, that it seems like bad mojo to urge him on even in a reverse-whammy kind of way. Still, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the next few days if sit will help Sen. Obama win.
(Which fallacy is this, anyway?)
"Are you really so complacent? Shouldn't you be telling people to get out and vote?"
No. No, I shouldn't. The election's in the bag. We can all sit home and have a beer and play X-Box. Obama's amazing powers of telekinesis have ensured his victory and our ascension into paradise. Stay home everyone. That's what this blog is all about. Making sure no one votes--that and making sure no one laughs. Like, ever.
I figure the blond woman makes an appearance Saturday.
I'm not sure if they'll think that's enough, or also have her claim Obama made her have an abortion.
Well, I for one is glad that this now officially a humor-free blog. Next target: irony. We'll start by banning the dramatic and work our away round to the historical.
After hearing that the majority of early voters this year are Democrats whereas usually they are Republicans, I can't help but expect that some nefarious plan is afoot to magically erase/change all of the early ballots or legally invalidate early voting!! Stay away!!!
Hillary switches her support to McCain. On the Hannity's America show.
Game.Set.Match.
How about instead we doctor of bunch of fake pics of Palin shredding the First Amendment while dressed as scantily clad Virgin Mary. That way all the Hugh "Little Starbursts" Hewitt types will be too busy with their auto-erotic fantasies to actually go out and vote on Tuesday. If we can distract the Hugh the Wanker demographic, Obama will win 49 states (rumor has it, the voters in Utah are good at, ahem... "multi-taking").
Well, I read this long, funny piece written during the last days of the Clinton assault on Obama. It weaves together George Wallace, Dante,J.Edgar Hoover, Rove, and, best of all, HELL. You won't find a deeper (figuratively and literally) conspiracy at:
http://www.themeditatingotter.net/page1/page1.html
Over the weekend, the McCain campaign finally discovers a line to "otherize" Obama that actually works: they discover that "Barack" is the Hungarian word for "peach".
Now everything comes together. Barack is the guy at the public baths holding a glass of Egri Bikavér making snide comments about all the tourists. The flirtations with communism, the association with pornography, the non-Indo-European language, it's all just too easy to stick on a Democrat.
Suddenly, the candidate of hope is tied to the most pessimistic nation on earth. And his parents, naming their child in an obvious reference to a Presidents of the United States of America song? Obviously this guy has had his eye on the White House for quite some time.
Arthas, Ner,zhul? I didn't know your nerd cred went that deep. BTW, the ending to The Frozen Throne is still awesome.
Whoops, I confused Hugh Hewitt with Rich Lowry. Not surprising given that all pasty Conservative pundits look alike :-p
I can see it now.
It begins with Ted Stevens. Convicted and without hope for political reconciliation, "Uncle Ted" will reveal the true nature behind his longevity in the Senate: he is, in fact, the latest reincarnation of a deity long since forgotten by time and men, whose dark, sadistic rituals (often involving both tubes and trucks) have merely served as a prologue for what is to come. Calling out into the Tongue of a Thousand Tongues, he will open vast portals into the Grim Nether anywhere a Diebold / Premier voting machine is located, rendering those votes invalid instantly, due to an obscure "Act of Elder God" clause that Stevens helped to pass.
His contingency plans threatened by the pending demon scourge, Dick Cheney will retreat into the inner sanctum of his "hidden location," and activate Code Omega. His cold, mechanical heart will suddenly expand out from his chest, linking with heretofore unknown machinery until--using parts left-over from the "Supreme Court Hypnosis Ray" designed to secure the office for John McClone #87 (Sidney having secretly passed-away back in '03)--he will emerge from deep beneath the earth, reborn as the bastard child of technology and authoritarian ideology: MegaDick. Using registered Democrats and AWNR oil as the fuel "Enrongon," MegaDick and his army of Neocon warriors will spread across the country, sowing tyranny in their wake.
In the midst of this battle between demon and machine, Sarah Palin will unite the remaining theocons and, inspired by Red Dawn, will become the figurehead of a rag-tag group of "maverick" freedom-fighters. With God and "real Americans" on their side, Palin's guerrilla tactics and helicopter raids will ravage the countryside, taking aim at every Starbucks, library, and laboratory in the United States--a "preemptive strike" against any "terrorists" that might be using the Grand Ol' Pandemonium (as it will become known in later years) as a smokescreen. This will, however, prove futile, as a high-ranking member of her organization (a certain witch-hunter) will reveal himself to be none other than one of Dreadlord Steven's acolytes.
In the midst of all this, a tsunami submerges the entire East Coast. Indianapolis real estate surges briefly, on the promise of oceanfront properties becoming suddenly available.
And that's just the beginning. We haven't even covered what might happen to Senator Obama...
40 yrs ago I worked at a super secret underground gov't liasoned lab jointly funded by the Tri-lateral Commision, Tha John Birch Society, and the NRA. We were doing genetic research (you have to remember, this was before the discovery of DNA, so it was supersuperSUPER secret) on a virus targetted specifically towards blacks. This virus, having infected a black, would cause a significant shift in political behaviour towards a Republican philosophy, even against their own best interests. This tendency became especially acute once they entered the voting booth, overwhelming any previous inclinations. (Curiously enough, it always worked better on black men, than it did on black women)
I left the lab after 6 and 1/2 yrs, before it was perfected. (I have been in hiding ever since and am now on a continent not connected to the USofA)
My analysis of voting behaviour in this election leads me to conclude that the virus may have been perfected. For instance, since early voting first started, Republicans have always significantly out numbered Democrats among early voters.
But not this year. And which is the largest demographic among Democrats taking advantage of early voting? Blacks.
My suspicion is that unbeknownst even to themselves, once they get into the booth, they are all voting straight Republican. You will know I am right, when not only does Barack Obama lose this election by a landslide, but the House of Representatives, all state legislatures, county commissions, school boards, and city councils are stripped of blacks.
Now I must return to hiding.
It's simple, really. While we've gone about this election as though it were a normal occurrence, sinister forces have been acting behind the scenes!
Unknown to all of us, in an alternate universe the sinister Lex Luthor has discovered our world! Finding that on this "Earth-Prime" super-heroes are little more than fiction, Luthor gathers together a consortium of the most terrifying super-villains the multiverse had ever seen and set about a plan to take over our world!
It began by waylaying unsuspecting maverick senator John McCain by the insidious Ultra-Humanite! Employing his astonishing undying powers, the Ultra-Humanite transfers his brain into McCain's body, and begins his run for the presidency! (this explains McCain's erratic, incomprehensible behavior).
The Ultra-Humanite, with Luthor's help, chooses a patsy as Vice-President -- unknown governor Sarah Palin (the fact that no one knows anything about her will be crucial in a later stage of the plan). Their campaign falters, but it doesn't matter -- Luthor's Society is prepared!
Election day arrives, and their plans are put into actions. Weather Wizard creates an unseasonable hurricane in Florida, preventing Democratic voters from arriving at the polls. Dark wizard Mordru summons a spectral army of Confederate voters from the battlefield of Gettysburg, swinging Pennyslvania to the Republicans! Magnetic maestro Doctor Polaris wipes the electronic votes of thousands of Democrats in Ohio! And under a surprising total eclipse of the sun in Colorado, the sinister Eclipso takes over the bodies of thousands of registered voters!
The election secured, the super-villains wait until inauguration. Shortly thereafter, the elderly "McCain" passes away. In reality, the Ultra-Humanite transfers his undying brain into the younger, fresher Sarah Palin. President Palin quickly names her Vice-President: heretofore unknown businessman Lex Luthor!
With that, the Secret Society of Super-villains' takeover of our great country is complete. May God have mercy on our souls!
(Yes, I have too much time on my hands...)
Betty Cracker:
My sources tell me that the same time-release sedative used in expensive wine and Starbucks coffee has been added in even greater amounts to menthol cigarettes and Intensive Care moisturizer.
Other sources say that Bud tall boys have been spiked with emphatamine under the direct orders of Cindy McCain.
This does not bode well for Obama!
"That's what this blog is all about. Making sure no one votes--that and making sure no one laughs. Like, ever."
Lol. Damn it! I love you, man, but some of us Obama supporters are still trying to seal this deal! I'll come back on Nov. 4th and 5th to toast, but for now: Did he get over the goal line?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GLI6MAlIWY
LOL.
Yes, it's time to abandon the conspiracy theories and the paranoia. But then again, who has time for this stuff? I'm going to continue to warn people about the realities of our election process: Don't let anyone tell you voting day is on any other day but next Tuesday; No, nobody is going to arrest you at the door for outstanding parking tickets, or anything else; Don't accept a provisional ballot unless you have no other options; call a voter fraud hotline (try you local TV station) if you're registered but turned away at the polls.
The Republican Party has been secretly working with Toyota Motors and the Diebold Corporation to secretly install explosive devices in all Prius models. The explosive device is synchronized with an RFID sensor embedded in the Diebold machines which will cause all Priuses to explode as they approach the polling station. With the progressive yuppie demographic devastated in Boulder/Denver and in Northern Virginia, McCain wins these two states and pulls off an election night shocker.
A mole planted inside Apple Computer conspires to reset everyone's clocks forward by an extra day (there's a box you check to have your computer clock set to Apple's central clock) so that on awaking on Nov. 4, the world's Macintosh users will think they've slept through election day and will instead stay home. This loss of this group of young & trendy creative young professionals (you've seen the ads), will throw the election to McCain.
Dismissing people's legitimate grievances about 2000 and 2004 by (1) pretending that history didn't happen (what the hell does it even mean to say that "Kerry was not swift boated?", given that the phrase EXISTS because of those ads against Kerry) (2) pretending that there's a binary choice between the Democrats having to raise their game & recognizing problems with the system, and that people who talk about problems with the system are just whiners (3) treating people who talk about voter suppression as a serious threat are CRAAAZZZY conspiracy theorists--not the least bit endearing. Or funny. Actually, cocky & obnoxious & a demonstration that you are becoming more and more of a horse race pundit when it comes to political coverage--we loves us some winners, and we hates us some losers. Maybe it would be if you would walk back just a TINY BIT I'd find it funnier.
I'm pretty sure that McCain will be able to pull a surprise upset when the voting machine in Philadelphia breaks at 9AM, and the one in Cleveland fails shortly thereafter.
(basically, you're going Bill Cosby on liberals with this series of posts. Fair enough that liberals should empower themselves & raise their game rather than rail against how the GOP is keeping them down. But I don't see why it requires outright denial of the obstacles & contemptuous mockery of people who discuss them, instead of clear-eyed recognition that they exist & strategizing for the best way around them.)
See, the thing y'all don't realize is that there is an alien spaceship buried beneath the glaciers of Greenland. Only now with global warming, the ice is melting, and the residents of the ship, having been in the deep freeze for centuries, have awakened.
They can assume the form of any animal or person on our planet once they've touched them. And they are deadly vicious in a fight. They can stick a pseudopod into your spine just like that and kill you. Then they take your place.
Has your dog been acting funny lately? I heard that Obama's daughters were feeling a bit under the weather. What might happen the next time he gives them a hug?
[I'm really enjoying this comment thread, by the way]
Tupac will release a new single on Halloween describing his past relationship with Obama and how Obama murdered him. I got the bootleg already:
(To be sung by Tupac)
Back in the days, me and and Barry used to roll dice;
on the corner betting quarters sippin orange slice.
Then O got big went to law school;
befrending Jews; learnin rules; writin law reviews.
The other day I say a poster with my man Barack;
On the same corner where we smoked ---- and sold rocks.
I can't beleeeeve; My man made it so faaarrrr;
we used hustle now his muscle's in Patrol Caarrrs.
Till now ya'll thought my murder was a mystereeee;
How could it beeee; when it was all plain to seeee; how can I rest in peeeeace.
It wasn't Kevin, it wasn't no Mac-11; It was a brother named Barack with a silver glock... (gunshots...fadeout).
--
Lame, but I couldn't help myself.
DM
@BS_PI: Damn. That would take out a significant number of Obama voters in my neck of the woods, including my husband. (I thought I would escape as I walk to my polling place, but Tuesdays I then drive by there on the way to gymnastics--if they wired Toyota minivans, I'm toast.)
Okay, I'm going to take on the secret woman behind it all. I'm talking about....Meghan McCain. Attractive, very smart--she did well at Columbia, not exactly a schlub school--but now claims to be an unemployed art history major blogging the campaign.
Here's the thing about bloggers. Do you ever see them? No. They may claim to be posting from a coffee shop in Waterloo, Iowa, while secretly flying on a black helicopter over the jungles of Colombia. Every once in a while Meghan appears to do an interview, sounding, at 22, 22 times more coherent than Sarah Palin, but the rest of the time she's "on the bus" "blogging."
My friends, Meghan is Sydney Bristow, and blogging is her "boring job at an international bank."
So Meghan, directed by Dick Cheney's eviller Arvin Sloane--You think he's leaving office? Do you know where the secret bunker is? How do you intend to get him out of it?--is sneaking into government facilities all over the nation and rewiring the Diebold voting machines.
The Acorn stuff is a feint--they know that getting 300,000 people in each swing state to vote 2 or 3 or 8 times apiece, with proper fake id, while keeping it secret, is no way to steal an election. No, they're doing it the smart way, at the point where the votes are tallied. Each night Meghan, clad in one of those sexy black spy outfits, climbs through the ventilation system of 2 or 3 state voting machine storage facilities, reprogramming. A November surprise awaits. (Of course, Meghan hasn't properly accounted for the machinations of Palin and Cheney against her own Spy Daddy, but that's Season 2.)
My conspiracy theory is OH, FL, and PA are already rigged, but MP are going through the motions in PA so it doesn't look too suspicious. All they have are McCain ballots and Obama ballots and they're all out of Obama bsllots.
On a side note, I'm paying attention to the semi-decriminalization of marijuana effort in MA as I think the war on drugs is another really bad and expensive policy.
I just tried to concoct a scenario similar to the current Scourge Invasion in WoW, and failed miserably. Does anyone else want to take a stab? Must include: zombies, suspicious crates, and necropolises/necropolii/whathaveyou.
I have nothing substantive to add except that you are now officially my hero for working Tiamat into The Atlantic in any form or fashion.
Simplicity itself: CROSS THE STREAMS. Every vote for Obama is a vote for McCain, and vice versa.
directed by Dick Cheney's eviller Arvin Sloane...
Much has been written about McCain's surprising hard-right veer. Most people attribute it to trying to energize his base, which ignores the more obvious conclusion:
For the past three years, the real John McCain has been held in captivity in an "undisclosed location" by one Dick Cheney, who has been campaigning in McCain's place, with the help of very expensive makeup artists and voice coaches. (What, you thought that money was for the same 4 outfits that Palin wears?)
However, with the help of those plucky Acorn kids, Cheney gets unmasked Scooby-Doo style on the final weekend of the election. The real John McCain, though shaken, gains enormous sympathy from the public for surviving his second captivity ordeal. The deal is sealed when Obama, now seeing the real McCain for the first time in some years, is forced to admit that McCain was also the ghost author of both of his bestselling books.
Think about it...
4-9-3-11 Cheney asks Obama to go to the Naval Observatory and tells says "Barack, you think we are cousins, but I must tell you that we are not."
Obama sighs, with a look of relief.
Cheney then puts his hand on Obama's shoulder and says "Barack, I am your father"
Obama: NOOOOOOOOO . . . but wait, then who is my mother?
Just then, Alice Palmer walks into the room, and proclaims that she is his mother. That the 2004 convention speech was a ruse to move enthusiasm away from Kerry, since a 17 year-old Kerry stole Cheney's girlfriend at a country club in 1960. Cheney, mastermind that he is, secretly poisoned Kerry with the almost-president serum, concocted from the genes of William Jennings Bryant, Thomas Dewey, and Aaron Burr. He then mated with Palmer, and gave the same serum to the young Obama, who was named by picking letters out of a Scrabble bag.
Obama crumples to floor in tears as Cheney and Palmer make out. The next day Obama ends his campaign.
Somehow McCain still loses.
@laborlibert:
I couldn't have wrote it better myself, aaawesome dude! you even got the west-coast post-G-funk feel down and everything.
We must incorporate the Chappelle Show "long time ago" remix into this...
I wrote this song a long time ago
A real long time ago, FEEL ME!
I wrote this song a long time ago
It was the dopest song I ever wrote,... in 94
What can a nigga do
When half the people voted for George W
Life's a bitch, f*** George W., can't be true
I want to choke him, cause he's a snitch
I'm talking bout George W. Smith
From city council
He ran in 93 out in Oakland.
You probably didn't hear about him.
I think laborlibert wins, Drugs, dice, Jews, glocks, Orange slice! And solving Tupac's murder
we are way past dead girl/ live boy territory. it would take dead rappers
I love you guys. Seriously.
But I think Ta-Nehisi's already covered this: Barack Obama is, after all, Magneto. On election night, he'll dazzle the country with his amazing ability. But he doesn't realize that his mad magnetic skilz will affect digital voting machines throughout America, throwing the numbers to the Republicans.
gracchus,
I don't know if there's a separate name for it, but I think your fallacy is some application or corollary of "post hoc, ergo propter hoc." You root for a team, they lose, so you (fallaciously) assume that there's a causal relationship. This implies that you have the power to cause such losses, and then, generalizing from this, you conclude that you can cause McCain to lose by rooting for him. Well, I wish you could! Good luck trying, anyway.
How will we blow this one fellow lefties?
We didn't blow the last two. They were stolen. Please. Pay attention. It's important.
Either way, as another commenter on another blog reminds us:
A Always
B Be
C Closing
Now put down that coffee and head down to your local Obama office (as Mr. Obama himself asked you to), pitch in and make this thing happen. Run through the tape. Play to the whistle. And what have you. It's important.
If McCain wins, I hope to hell that it's because the RNC stole the thing. Stealing elections you can fix. Living in a country with a voting majority of idiots you can't fix.
Stealing elections you can fix.
Not if the stealers are constantly in power, silly.
The mother of all sports-motivation-speeches
Al-Pacino in Any given sunday! It's actually quite relevant to this election-cycle...and to they obama prez-run....
"i dont know what to say really
3 min till the biggest battle of our proffessional lives, all comes down to today
either we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble
inch by inch, play by play till we're finished
we're in hell now gentlemen, believe me, and we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us
or, we can fight our way back, into the light....one inch at a time
now i cant do it for ya, im to old. i look around and i see these young faces,and i think, i mean, i made every wrong choise a middle age man could make, i pissed away all my money...belive it or not, i chased of any one who's ever loved me, and lately, i can't even stand the face i see in the mirror....
u know when you get old in life, things get taken away from you ...thats part of life, but you only learn that, wen u start loosing stuff...u find out, life's this game of inches, so's football, because in either game, life or football...the margin for error, is so small, i mean, one half a step to late or too early, u dont quite make, one half second to slow to fast, u dont quite catch it, the inches we need are everywhere, around us, there in every brake of the game, every minute, every second
on this team we fight for that inch, on this team we tear ourself and everyone else around us to pieces fot that inch....we claw with our fingernails for that inch....because we know when we add upp al those inches, we know, that's gonna make the fuckin difference between winning and loosing
between living and dying
i tell u this, in any fight, its the guy who's willing to die whos gonna win that inch, and i know, if im gonna have any life anymore it's because im willing to fight and die for that inch, because, that's what living is...
the six inches infront of your face...now i can't make u do it, u gotta look at the guy next to you, look in his eyes now i think u goona see a guy who will go that inch with you, your gonna se a guy, wo will sacrifice himself for his team, beacuse he knows when it comes down to it, your gonna do the same for him, , that's a team gentle men, and , either we heal now, as a team, or we will die, as individuals....that's football guys! that's all it is...
now....what are u gonna do? "
Now, i think u know, what u gonna do!?
I don't see why it requires outright denial of the obstacles & contemptuous mockery of people who discuss them
I think you and Ed are misreading the humor here. It's not a premature victory dance - we aren't Leon Lett celebrating our touchdown, unaware of Don Beebe running up behind us.
This isn't celebration - not really. It's gallows humor.
We're that other famous football player: Charlie Brown. We've felt the football be pulled away at the last moment, and that painful, thudding crash as our asses hit the winter-hard ground.
And there's the football. We've been running across the field forever, but now it's so close. Right there, barely a step away. We want to kick it, but we don't trust it. Deep down, we just don't.
This is our way of trying to laugh about that.
BREAKING NEWS...OCTOBER SURPISE NOW REVEALED...HUGE BOOST FOR JOHN MCCAIN
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/election-08/october-surprise-alien-endorses-mccain/print/
OCTOBER SURPRISE: ALIEN ENDORSES MCCAIN!
WASHINGTON, DC - In a shocking reversal, the Alien has switched his endorsement from Barack Obama to John McCain.
With major implications for the U.S. presidential election, political kingmaker the Alien has changed his endorsement amid furor. Both political camps are buzzing about the implications, as the Alien has correctly predicted the winning president in every election for the past 28 years.
Ongoing investigation points to Cindy McCain as being the cause for this historic shift in allegiances.
Uncovered photos suggest that in a last ditch effort to help her husband’s failing campaign, Cindy McCain seduced and then blackmailed the Alien for his endorsement.
At a recent McCain rally, inside sources say Cindy McCain disappeared with the Alien after sharing several champagnes with the notorious intergalactic lightweight. Ms. McCain’s alien-like good looks and natural blood temperature of 54 degrees Fahrenheit may have proved too much for him to resist as she reportedly put her cyborg husband into sleep mode and worked her charms.
This is not the first time the Alien, who sources say is no prude, has been in political “hot water.” During the 2004 election he was photographed in a hot tub with Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. As the Alien is now married with children the release of these photos could be devastating for him.
What impact this news will have on the election has yet to be determined. Swing state voters, who will decide this election, have the highest rate of alien abductions and UFO sightings and are known to vote in accordance with supernatural forces.
The Republican Party, as it is today, are actually the Gods of Apokolips, with John McCain as Darkseid, Sarah Palin as Granny Goodness, William Kristol as Glorious Godfrey, and Steve Schmidt as Desaad, with all the nutso hate-spewers at Palin rallies as Justifiers and Parademons spreading the Anti-life Equation.
You could make the case that Obama is Mister Miracle, Ted Kennedy is Highfather, Biden is Lightray, Jim Webb is Orion, and the youth vote collectively is The Forever People. Not too crazy, is it?
Viva Jack Kirby!
> the Terminator sent back in time by futuristic Diebold machines?
Snarfle!
The mother of all sports-motivation-speeches
Al-Pacino in Any given sunday!
If unintentionally comedic overacting beyond self-parody is your thing, then yes.
Sir, I beg to differ. Dick Cheney is clearly Varimathras.
Frodo Obama and Samwise Biden are nearing their journey to destroy the one ring in the reflecting pool, but there are still a few challenges left. Will Obama be tempted to use the power of the ring? Will Smeagol Clinton, so far a loyal helper, convert back to Gollum? The troops have defeated the forces of Sauron Cheney in the battleground state of Gondor, and now the forces are massing at Gates of Pennsylvania. Steve Schmidt and the Nazgul continue their dark arts. Sarumon McCain and Wormtongue Palin having been corrupted by the dark forces of Mordor continue their intrigues to steal the ring for themselves.
I don’t have all of this figured out yet…..but I think that it all has to do with the story featured in that movie “The Golden Compass”.
Remember how religious groups were up in arms when the movie came out, enraged over the fact that it was based on a series of books written by an author hostile to religion. Well, I think that was just a faint. The real reason was that the story is TOO CLOSE to the truth! They needed to stop the making of any more movies; the books themselves were no threat as everyone knows Americans don’t read.
That’s right, I said it, all the pieces are starting to fit together.
The evil, fundamentalist Magisterial wants to keep everyone in the dark about the origin of “dust”. And what was Barack brushing off his shoulders at that one campaign speech during the primaries?!? That’s right; it has NOTHING to do with Jay-Z!!! Barack knows all about it, he’s so knowledgeable, he brushes it right off his shoulders.
Think I’m crazy?!? Well, join the club, but the facts march on.
In the movie, who was the little girl’s best ally? That’s right, the POLAR BEAR! And who is the polar bear’s greatest natural enemy today? Well, none other than Sarah Palin, the GOP’s VP nominee.
And it gets even worse!!!!!
In the big battle towards the end of the movie, who helped save the day?!? Witches! And who has been prayed over recently, trying to get strength from a witch-doctor to fortify themselves for a battle with witches? That’s right, Sarah Palin!!!!!
All I need to figure out is who the evil blonde woman is here. HRC? Cindy McCain? Meagan McCain? That might be the key to cracking this whole case WIDE OPEN!
I’m telling you, this is what it’s all about! Can’t you see…..or have they gotten to you too?!?!?
Sansouci wrote:
"I have been loathe to face it but white people may be agents of C'Thulu."
You say that like it's a bad thing. After all, why vote for the LESSER of two evils?
Ia! Ia! Cthulu fhtagn!
Sometime during the next 5 days, President Bush signs into law an innocuous bill dealing with an obscure provision of maritime law. Unreported is that he includes a presidential signing statement declaring November 4th to be "opposite day," and as such all votes cast for Obama will be for McCain, and vice versa. Since these signing statements carry the weight of both the executive branch and the vice-presidential branch, they outweigh any opposition, and the country mistakenly doesn't not elect John McCain.
Well, Andrew Sullivan and James Wolcott already have this covered. Velociworld - The Man In the Lavendar Automobile.
It really is almost parody. Like a skit that liberals have about how nutty conservatives are - but actually true!
I miss Atari. Unfortunately, I've somehow filled my mother's shoes--I suck at today's video games. I remember how deflated she looked when my brother and I would refuse to hand over the joystick, and now, I can empathize. Sigh. But I can't blame them. Who the hell wants to sit there and watch me panic and die within the first ten seconds? It's painful and embarassing.
Okay, sorry for getting off-track. Where's today's open thread?
Dennis,
What claptrap. It's clear that Dick Cheney is now, and has always been, Darkside. Think of Bush, McCain, others, simply as hangers-on to the original darkness.
And might we not even hope to believe [ I say, slowly rubbing my pale white hands together - an unsettling sight as each finger possesses an extra joint ] that the Obama Kedavra may once again be legal?
Wait! Is that a camera? Stop him!
Do not fear Ta-nehisi.
It has been my long held hypothesis that Science and hiphop dance will save the world.
Team McCain has no science. The demographics of this country have passed the conservatives by. The poll tightening that so excites them is just voters in deepsouth, deepred states that respond to the socialist!terrorist!muslim! schtick. The older, less educated, less integrated voter demes. The ones McCain doesn't need-- he already has them.
But the battleground states are all purple. The demographics have changed to younger, more integrated, more educated voters.
McCain doesn't need the deep red states--he needs the electoral college votes from purple Ohio, and Pennsylvania.
If you watch street dance battles....or say America's best Dance Crewe....look at the composition of the crewes....black, brown, yellow, white.
It doesn't matter.
That is Obama's America.
Hiphop America.
We choose the future.
ed,
Does that mean if McCain wins we get a set of steak knives?
Via Andrew, Obama is now Professor Snape. The wingnuts have an advantage at thinking up this stuff.