So it became clear that I couldn't leave Facebook. (*shakes fist*) Still, is it wrong to delete friends? I'd actually like to use my Facebook to keep track of people I want to keep track of. It's nightmare sorting through people you don't know, while trying to find the ones you do. Would I be wrong to trim my Facebook friends back? Only people under 25 are allowed to answer this question. The rest of us are too old.
« Ever the curmudgeon | Main | We rep the same Smart-tech » Facebook etiquitte18 Nov 2008 11:00 am Comments (59)
I'd say if you've gone without any form of contact for six months or more for a person, you can X 'em without any required guilt. The chance that they'll feel slighted is next to none; and then they'll feel compelled to get back in touch. 
@Emily OH NO! Does that mean that I've been defriended?! This is horrible! I bet it was all the good people I was friends with, too. This has really thrown a wrench in my machine-like stalking regimen.
I'm 26, but I think I can take a stab at this. Make an alias and contact your 'real' friends under the alias. Or maybe this is completely against Facebook etiquette. Oh, well. Sincerely,
I'm 33 and don't use Facebook, but I'm going to weigh in anyway. Yes, yes, defriend. If your conscience is bothering you, make a generic announcement on your Facebook saying you just have to cut down, don't be offended, blah, blah, blah.
That is what I primarily use facebook and myspace for. Just to keep track of old friends. That way if I want to get back in touch with them I easily can. I'm not sure about you T, but I'm horrible at keeping in touch, ie calling / emailing randomly with a "hey hows it going, whatcha up to....". So having that contact information that they maintain is extremely useful if I ever happen to be in their area or need information that requires their expertise. Equally they can get in touch with me.
I totally defriend. It releases the clutter in your life. And who cares if people know. People put their business on facebook so you have a right to decide who you want seeing yours.
Yeah, that's completely acceptable. Only wrong when you actually know the person and they know you. Only questionable at all if they check your facebook regularly.
Why don't you leave your current Facebook for your fans and then have a super-secret Facebook for special TNC friends only? That's how this 40 year old would (and has) solved this problem. (I'm a teacher with many years of students behind me-- many of whom i just don't want to have reading my personal Facebook page, but many of whom i'd like to keep in touch with. And believe me -- the students will find you. i was shocked). By the by, i just don't think the under-25s need to solve this problem yet. They either 1) don't care, 2) probably have not yet accumulated a vast number of people in their lives who are going to look for them online. Also none of them are probably as famous or interesting as you are. If I, a relatively boring teacher, want to control the access to my Facebook, I can only imagine the number of people who want to be on yours.
I just purged over 100 "friends" a couple of weeks ago and it felt great. Some guy I took PoliSci 325 with two years ago isn't going to notice that we're not fb buddies anymore. Another option is to have two facebooks... one personal and one that's less discriminating (but has less personal info on it). A lot of people at work do this but it's too much work for me and I'm honestly not that invested.
Absolutely, you should do it. A lot of folks I know did a 'friend purge' after graduation and pared their lists down. And yeah, they won't be notified, so unless they come looking for you, they'll never know. I keep my friend list small, profile locked down with the strictest privacy settings, and don't add any new applications. It's much less frustrating that way.
You know, if you just block them, nobody on facebook will see anything anywhere and to the people who you don't know (and presumably don't care about you) it'll be like you just vanished off the face of the earth. On the other hand, I haven't been on Facebook in like three months. Is this like smoking or something for most people? Is it really that hard to drop the stupid thing?
Just make the cut at 25. I know a lot of people, who "over-friended" during college, who are now trimming down their friend for precisely the same reason as you are. Anyway, if they are not people you care to keep track of, I wouldn't worry too much how they feel about being de-friended.
facebook has a fair number of features you can use to turn down the volume on some people, and up on others. just poke around in the settings. facebook is only as noisy as you let it be. mass de-friending is using a hatchet when you could use a scalpel. (because everyone loves that metaphor) rememebr de-friending means that how you view each others profiles will change and you'll no longer be able to post on each others walls or really communicate in any way. seems like an unnecessary extreme when facebook lets you essentially mute people without kicking them to the curb.
Defriending isn't really in the spirit of social networking online. Of course, Facebook is popular because it is flexible enough to be used in many different ways successfully. Facebook has some great tools, as Sarah said above, for turning up and down volume on your feed and other apps. I would avail myself of those.
Only people under 25 are allowed to answer this question. The rest of us are too old.
Ta-Nehisi, On your Facebook homepage, at the bottom of your News Feed tab, there is a link called "Options for News Feed". Click on it and it will allow you to hear more about some friends and less about others.
I hear you. I don't think its bad. It's happened to me. I don't begrudge the people that did it.
Here's the best way to approach it: 1) Under 25, don't delete. Who knows -- the Next Big Thing might be among your facebook friends.
What do you mean, 25 is too old??? Young man, I'm 38 years old, and I was messing with Trash-80s before you were even a zygote! I've got web sites, blogs, twelve different e-mails, total disdain for IMs, an addiction to MMO (City of Heroes FTW) AND a Facebook page. You got a problem with people over 25 messing wif ur keyboards? TOUGH! Now gimme my props.
Does this mean you don't want to be my friend?
Adjusting the feed settings would be a good way to go. Also, you could make a friend list of the people you really care to keep track of and ignore everyone else. De-friending, especially when you have a job that benefits from promotion seems like a drastic step. Why risk alienating probably some of your biggest viral supporters?
It's your Facebook account. Do whatever you want, but do explore ways of cutting down on clutter and noise beyond de-friending.
Defriended? I haven't even been friended! No but really, it's totally fine to de-friend folks. They probably won't even notice.
Just on the cut-off age line here. I think defriending tons of people is a fairly big social networking faux-pas. The standard idea is you only defriend if you have some compelling external reason to do so. Messy break-ups or huge fights. You can highlight your inner circle of friends in several ways to make things easier, so kicking people out entirely would potentially offend them for no reason. You might as well keep the potential defriendees just in case.
I'm with Persia, even unto not facebooking. But using lj as an analogy, make it a general thing of "Hi, pruning, nothing personal" is the etiquette standard. Hee to cvco's point that TNBT are the ones pruning all the "hi, got any contacts I could use to get a job" people off their facebooks.
Honestly, I think there's a different "facebook etiquette" that arises when you're a public figure. I mean, it would still be acceptible to prune, but I think it's even more acceptible for a person of your public stature. You're a public figure. A historic monument. Are these people you don't know just acquaintances who you've long since forgotten, or are they people like me, people you've never met personally who take an interest in your doings, feelings, etc.? Because if you've got a lot of devoted fans, you might want to make one of those official "I'm a big deal" Facebook things, so that people can be your "fan" (rather than your friend) and you can update your huddled masses there.
You may benefit from this article: http://www.slate.com/id/2174439/ But please don't get rid of me as a friend. We met at the book fair in Brooklyn. I'm the kid from Hampton U, attending Hampton now. Sincerely,
This is why places like livejournal become myspace become facebook become the next big thing. People don't want to defriend. They just abandon and move on to the newest networking tool... until they realize that they have too many "friends" and, good lord, they can't defriend anyone. So they abandon it and set up on the next big thing and say that, this time, it will be different.
I second the person who says look around on Facebook. You can do things like put friends into groups and control how much information you get from or give to various groups.
This 22-year-old is shocked at all the people here who defriend -- to me that's the ultimate dis. That being said, you seem to be talking about defriending people you don't actually know and have never met. That's okay.
You can create friend lists with specific friends and then restrict that list and its members' access to everything on your page to varying degrees. For example, I have a "limited profile" list, and anyone on that list can see only my basic info - they can't see wall posts, pictures, status, etc. Also, to avoid this situation in the first place, when you get friend requests from people you don't want to reject but don't want to give access to either, you can just leave the friend request in the hopper, a sort of Facebook Friend Purgatory.
What about de-tagging pictures? I always feel pretty lame when I do it, but there are some brutal shots of my college shenanigans. I need to undertake a serious tagging purge asap actually, as older colleagues, family, ect. start jumpin aboard the black hole that is facebook.
I've been on since it was just for a dozen colleges, and I know at least a dozen people who work there. You're not just allowed to de-friend people, T; you're supposed to.
I regularly purge "friends". It may be people I had classes with, or were in groups with in college, now that I am 2 years out, do I really need to know that they are now single, or had a wild night out with friends last week. No. If they are people you aren't concerned with following, I say get rid of em.
Make another account with a different Email. Invite your 1st tier to befriend out on that account, and use the other one as your PR account.
Ta-Nehisi- I'm 36, but work in Silicon Valley, so at least I think I know what I'm talking about. As a "public figure" you should setup a fan page: This allows you to keep in contact with people who aren't personal friends, but who you might want to keep updated on speaking engagements and the like. Then you can go on your personal account and de-friend with impunity. Cheers, JayDawg
I'm 25 and last week I deleted over 100 friends from Facebook. My genearl rule was that if I hadn't talked to the person in 18 months they were gone. I updated my status to reflect the purge and immediately was applauded by many friends, almost all of whom were envious that I'd so drastically axe folks. They all secretly wanted to do the same but were worried about offending. Delete away.
Okay, so I'm old school: 38, but I'm like Paul W...I have a blog, maintain websites, and I know my way around a series of tubes (so Paul, can we be friends or what). I work at a University and turn off the add feature so my students just can't add me. Some folks are just friend whores who just want to add anyone and everyone, and I can say that the folks on my list I actually talk to on a regular. If I were you, defriend. Gotta trim the branches so the tree can grow. Word.
Go for it, TNC. It makes a lot of sense and I've been thinking of doing the same thing. I went overboard when I first got on there, friending some acquaintances and accepting others from people I didn't really know. There's just too much clutter on my FB account, now. No way that I'm "friends" with 300 people. But to my namesake Joel, man, you're cold-blooded.
I still haven't been friended yet! You need to get a fan page 1st than you can defriend all those you don't know but you should still friend me & keep me as a friend 'cause I read your damn blog everyday!
I don't unfriend. People can then find you and see you unfriended them. I block. Then they can't even find you. This is for people I wouldn't talk to even if I was drunk. I'm 24 years old, and I'm trying to do this every time someone on facebook I know bitches about their stock portfolio on their profile.
Defriend at will. Chances are the people you defriend aren't gonna come looking for you anyway, so what's the difference? I also ignore friend requests all the time, even of a bunch of people I'm going to see next week at my high school reunion. My sig other, on the other hand, has a serious psychological issue ignoring friend requests or defriending people. He's got ~750 friends which is absolutely ridiculous; when it gets to that level you really start feeling a loss of privacy and weird lack of control over your identity IMHO. He knows he has to have a defriending session, and it's going to be hard (I compare it to me cleaning out my shoe collection) but I bet he'll feel better when he's done.
The option to reduce the frequency with which you get updates from people is important--even some people I know quite well have a terrible habit of signing up for every application so that all you see is those updates. But deleting has its place. Generally, they won't notice, and if they weren't someone you were close to, they won't care that much unless they're obsessive about having zillions of friends.
I solved this problem by not being on Facebook. And the more I read blog posts like this, the more I'm happy I stayed the eff away. I have friends. They have my work/home/cell phone #s. They have my work/home emails. Call me, text me, email me if you want to know how I'm doing -- I don't care if it's only twice a year. If you can't be bothered, then I'm just not that important to you. Mind you, I'm not upset by this at all -- it's reality, and sites like Facebook seem to be fighting against it: in the end, we all have only a few friends. Ironically, I'd say about 25-30, which seems to be the number FB members want to purge to.
I have multiple groups and keep a group of friends that's awkward to keep friended with all information censored, so they won't notice. But of course, it's okay to defriend. I'd set up a "fan page" for all your fans to post things for fun, however.
i just axed a ton of people to make not-hearing-about-an-ex easier. very satisfying. and they were people i didn't care to keep up with personally at any rate. if you want to have a facebook presence for people who just think yr fab but aren't "friends," you can figure out how to exploit the "fan of" page nonsense, and keep your actual facebook presence to actual friends.
24 here, so I make the cut, but am old enough to remember back in the old days when you could only use Facebook if you went to certain colleges. Unfriending people you actually know in real life is definitely against the rules. It's completely passive aggressive. It's a serious case of Drama, and is generally featured as an episode in very long gossip stories about a couple of immature, feuding friends or ex's. As people have mentioned above, you can tell facebook who you care about enough to have listed in your news feed. There's no need to pull unfriending shenanigans against people you know.
Defriend away. If someone is on the defriend list then you probably won't be seeing them anytime soon or ever so why worry about the niceties of facebook ettiquette? Also, consider disabling friend requests as I did. Random friend requests annoy me to no end.
It depends on the relationship you have with the person. You have to break them down into categories. Acquaintances: People you know through other people and don't have much of a relationship with. They likely wouldn't realize which 1 of the 200 friends they lost. Real Friends: People you actually talk to, and have an offline relationship with. Getting rid of them, might cause some kind of confrontation, best to wait until they fall into the acquaintance category. Flings: Girls you've had a quick relationship with. Delete quickly lest they end up in the Real Friends group. Girlfriends: Do not delete, instead delete your facebook account and start over.
Defriend and defend! Just not me, okay?
Defriend if you like, but I'd suggest muting/quieting down some people first. It's ok to snub people who are fans not friends, but I think your book sales would do better if you kept them maybe? People are more emotional than rational, and getting a message from a 'friend' saying, hey, I have a new book, or something is probably going to feel more personal than a message from someone you are a 'fan' of? Our reptilian brains are probably going to get a little fooled by the designate 'friend', even when we know that logically we are not. If that makes sense. And how much personal shit are you going to put on there anyway? I'm totally anal about adding stuff to facebook that I might regret non-close friends finding out about. So tamp down on other peoples noise and you'll be fine.
Defriending people is one of the all-time great drama-generating techniques, and as such I highly encourage it. Irritating nobodies with boring lives who you've never met getting pissy that they aren't interesting? What's to lose?
I went through a massive defriending spree last month. I deleted all the people I've never actually met (mostly dudes who liked my fb picture). Like you, I only want people I know to pop up in my news feed. So go for it. But, um, you won't defriend ME, will you?!?! Come on, Bison. (I saw someone suggest you start a fan page. That's a really good idea. That way all the people who are fans of your blog can rep it without friending you.)
Gen-Xer here but heavy user of facebook. I agree that you need to have a fan page, TNC. Let your blog readers and your current fb friends know once it's set up, and then prune your non-fan page and limit it to people you actually know and want to stay in touch with. I think it's a great tool for keeping in touch with people I've lost track of (like my best friend from elementary school) but who needs a bunch of peripherals finding out stuff that's none of their business. There's nothing improper or rude about wanting to have some boundaries.
Save breakups, defriending is like saying you wanted 4 more years of Dubya. Strictly insane
If a person lives in my area and I never spend any real personal time with them I don't need to be "friends" with them on facebook. Our whole concept of friends has become quite skewed by the internet. I use it to keep in touch with old college friends and friends abroad.
3 words: Limited profile baby. But otherwise it makes perfect sense to defreind someone you have no relationship with. At least this way, when you see them on the street you don't have to pretend not to notice them, either that or force yourself to have a superfluous conversation with them. Instead you can freely ignore them. But why the hell did you add them in the first place? Quality not quantity, I even have to remind myself of that simple saying sometimes when faced with a request.
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Totally acceptable. Defriending has become like, the grownup thing to do on fbook - and your friends will never know that you deleted them unless they come looking for you.
Posted by Emily Post | November 18, 2008 11:07 AM