I have heard, and been moved, by your desire to be as stereotyped, dehumanized and generally strawmanned in the manner that this blog does white and black people. Why should only the blacks have a Lando Calrissian? Why should only the whites have a John Rich? Why should only the Asians have a...Oh. Wait..
Anyway, my Hebros (as Goldberg would say), I have been moved. And given our common penchant for the bad end of history, I promise not to big foot you the way I did Whitey. Fuck the goyim (Wait, does that include me???) Anyway, nominations are now open. Lierberman? Silverman? Rahm the Space-Knight? Who shall lead you to the Promised Land?
The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood 
Copyright © 2009 by The Atlantic Monthly Group. All rights reserved.
"Fuck the goyim (Wait, does that include me???)"
T-NC,
That depends; are some of your ancestors Ehtiopian*? If so, there's a chance that you are indeed "of the tribe."
*If this is the case, please tell your cousins to please keep the doro tibs coming!
Maybe Alan Greenspan or Larry King or BOTH.
This goy nominates Larry David.
Jon Stewart
Just to piss of the Gentiles, you should nominate Jesus.
Piss off, I mean.
You mean your just giving this appointment away, expecting nothing in return but appreciation?
How about Michael Medved or failing that Dennis Prager? They would bring some heart to the job.
Mort from Family Guy
lenny kravitz...
Bill Goldberg, the wrestler.
If the criteria is someone who can potentially embarrass the community, I vote for Marty Peretz.
I nominate James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah.
Woody Allen
The Beastie Boys. Or Michael Landon.
Aunts Lily and Vivian from Pushing Daisies.
I nominated someone yesterday (on account of not wishing Joe Lieberman on anyone, except maybe Cheney) but I've forgotten who....
I second the vote for Jon Stewart.
Aha! Michelle Obama's cousin the Chicago Rabbi.
Lex Luthor?
The case of Wet Hot American Summer. Failing that, I second Mort from Family Guy.
If us gentiles don't get Stephen Colbert, you all don't get Jon Stewart!
Then again: To quote Mort from Family Guy: "Hurry, save Jon Stewart. He's our most important Jew!"
Walter from The Big Lebowski.
All three Beastie Boys.
I remember how galaticus made the final cut in the last round of nominations for white people so for jewish spokesperson I was thinking about comit book characters. Luthor doesn't really do it.
However The Thing really is jewish (see link below).
http://www.adherents.com/lit/comics/Thing.html
@Elyas: Walter is an excellent choice...in his own words:
Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death...
The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even f*cking Jewish, man.
Walter Sobchak: What the f*ck are you talkin' about?
The Dude: Man, you're f*cking Polish Catholic...
Walter Sobchak: What the f*ck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Walter Sobchak: And you know this!
The Dude: Yeah, and five f*cking years ago you were divorced.
Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?
The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her f*cking dog. Going to her f*cking synagogue. You're living in the f*cking past.
Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...
[shouting]
Walter Sobchak: You're goddamn right I'm living in the f*cking past!
The criteria are whomever can consistently sound most stupidly outrageous, especially on TV.... I second Marty Peretz, though I've never seen him on TV
Lieberman's just self-righteous, not outrageous, which makes for poor TV, as he found out when his campaign flopped amazingly.
@EdTheRed: Don't forget this quote:
Walter Sobchak: I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!
Donny: What's Shabbos?
Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit DON'T FUCKING ROLL!
O.J. Simpson: Not a Jew.
But Adam Sandler is.
Bob Dylan FTW, people!
Or maybe Lanny Kravitz?
Kitty Pryde!
He's a pro baller (and former Great Jew Hype), a redhead, an OJ, a T-NC homeboy, a veteran of the IDF, and a losing candidate for Spokesperson of White people.
Elect Tamir Goodman Spokesjew of the Tribe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamir_Goodman
(This message was not approved by Tamir 'Spokesjew' Goodman.)
Or for my British tribespeople, how about Amy Winehouse?
Someone who is the embodiment of the stereotypical Jew and kind of makes us ashamed to be Jewish? Jackie Mason. Nobody else need apply.
groucho marx, please
Just to muddy the racial waters on this blog, I nominate Sammy Davis Jr.!
It has to be Mel Brooks.
Barack Obama, since "secretly Jewish" is the one thing the conspiracy nuts hasn't accused him of being. (As far as I know, anyway).
Also, TNC, since nobody's said anything, I second Sarah Silverman. Although Jon Stewart is going to win.
The answer is obviously Mel Brooks. I'm surprised only one previous commenter has named him.
Just do distinguish my nomination of him slightly, and to give him seniority of tenure and additional gravitas, I nominate Mel Brooks in his character of the million-year-old-man
Not Liberman! Jews associated in any way with republicans are uncle jakes and cannot be spokepeople for the rest of the tribe.
Jon Stewart presents an obvious candidate though I would have to go with three spokesmen: Ad rock, MCA, and Mike D.
Joan Rivers.
2nd to Sammy Davis Jr. Woody Allen maybe? We must somehow balance this with the great injustice that is John Rich. The man has never had a cucumber sandwich!!! He doesn't even recycle.
Mel Brooks, absolutely. And Warren, that should be the 2,000 year old man: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmnB3T00ZuU
"Although Jon Stewart is going to win."
The sad thing is you probably really believe that. Well, that's not how the rules work. Be prepared to be extremely disappointed.
T,
From Sammy Davis Jr...wiki page..."While in the hospital, his friend Eddie Cantor told him about the similarities between the Jewish and black cultures. Prompted by this conversation, Davis began studying the history of Jews and subsequently converted to Judaism."
Shawn Green on the other hand..."While Green is often likened to the former Jewish slugger, Hank Greenberg, Green's grandfather in fact shortened the family name from Greenberg to Green, for "business reasons."
Ed Kotch or Sandy Koufax.
Dr. Katz, professional therapist.
Am I the only white person who doesn't know about this John Rich guy? Googling produced some asshole who performed a country music song for McCain. Is that the one?
Colette,
Yes, you are. You really need to keep on your current affairs. Mr. Rich as been our spokesman for a good two months.
This isn't for favorite Jews, or even a leader of the Jews, it's for the Jew who will represent us to the Gentiles. The gentiles don't even get the lobster scene in Annie Hall, so most of the suggestions above are a waste. There is one Jew who both kicks ass and is in an occupation the goyim can appropreciate while drinking their MGD: I second Goldberg the wrestler.
(Might as well be named Jewy Jewenstein)
Perhaps we could make the perfect Jewish spokesman using the discarded foreskins from millions-and-millions of newborns.
"I nominate Sammy Davis Jr.!"
I think the spokesperson should be someone who is a speaking person. In other words, no dead people.
I thought it was about embarrassing stereotypes- so what about Woody Allen?
@Tessa
Boooo! I have so very little, please don't put the kibosh on my nomination! :-)
Scarlett Johansson
Sasha Baron Cohen, or one of his characters: Borat or Ali G.
Lyor Cohen, gangster. Rick Rubin, gangster. Def Jam is in the house.
Jerry Seinfeld, less gangster, but absolute spokesperson.
Benjamin Netanyahu. Rahm Emmanuel is like the Scrappy Doo version; Netanyahu is the Scooby. The Jews deserve no less.
After consulting this list, I nominate Seth Green.
Rahm the Space-Knight, of course. He is so sexy that I, an agnostic, would convert to Judaism in a Chicago minute.
Please redeem yourself and select William Shatner.
Reasons why I'm tossing my kippa into the ring for Jon Stewart:
1) He went into show business, changing his "jewy" name to "Stewart." That's pretty jewy.
2) He is not enthused about any of the Jewish rites and rituals, and he feels guilty about it. The only thing that is more Jewish than keeping kosher is having a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and saying, "Oy, this is SO not kosher, my mom would kill me."
3) He is short, and likes to bring that up on any occasion he can.
4) Like Lando Calrissian, he remains unambigously popular amongst the young and hip--and not in an ironic way, either.
5) He genuinely negates "cool" whenever he can. That sounds like my people.
I also think American Jew should be separated out from Israeli: as an Israeli born American raised Jew, I'd like to protest that they are two separate beasts. Rahm Emanuel sums up Israelis for me: caricaturishly irritable and aggressive but softened by a sense of humor and an irrational desire to perform ballet.
Earlier I suggested the Rebbe or Marty Funkhouser (a bit obscure, but a fine Jew nonetheless) and it was not posted. This is therefore, a test comment to see if The Man thought the Rebbe recommendation was too offensive to post up. Although i don't know if TNC has much of a Lubovitch audience.
@labor
Yesterday I nominated "The Man" as the official Jewish spokesman since everybody "knows" Jews control everything anyway. Perhaps The Man is conspiring with Ta-Nehisi to rig this election!
A bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich is about as far as you can get from kosher, and still remain in the realm of edible food.
As for spokesman, I agree with the guy who suggested Kirk Douglas. Spartacus all the way, baby!
Come on Ta-Nehisi, where's the love for fellow Atlantic colleague Jeffery Goldberg?
"Um, I guess we are next..."
says the loyal mexican reader of Ta-Nehisi, in a hushed, yet optimistic voice...
I second: Shatner, and Mel Brooks.
I also nominate Golda Meir (sp?), come on, how are so many people nominating men when we all know who runs Jewish households. JK
I also nominate the Upper West Side, all of it.
@Guy Yedwab
"caricaturishly irritable and aggressive"
I don't know. I am not Jewish and I don't know too many of them. But Emmanuel --and a few Jews I know-- seems to me more compulsive, single-minded and hard driven than irritable despite the profuse use of profanity and the very direct way they make their points heard. It comes as irritable but maybe they aren't so that much? I am most likely wrong but that is how it comes to me.
If we are going with most obnoxious representative, Marty Peretz. Lieberman is just an a self aggrandizer who's entire career is built off of public morality plays regarding Bill Clinton's penis.
Failing that, definitely Stewart.
I nominated Jon Stewart yesterday, before I realized it was supposed to be someone we were actually embarrassed about. How can any Jew be embarrassed by Jon Stewart? He's like a god to me.
I'm on board with Jackie Mason, though, who makes me cringe every time he opens his mouth, but is seen as the voice of Jewry (god help us). Woody Allen is a strong contender--not least because the scene in "Annie Hall" where the Hall family sees him as a Hasid is pretty much emblematic of what you're looking for--but he doesn't fill me with nearly as much Jewish self-loathing as the revolting Jackie Mason...
I lurk here usually but this is too good.
Come on people--I cannot believe no one has put this one out there: Dr Ruth. What can be more outrageously embarrassing than your grandmother with a thick accent talking about sex? on national tv.
I second Jackie Mason as a shander fer de goyim, and hence, our most likely spokesJew.
But I'd also like nominate future NY Senator Fran Drescher as the lady Jew most likely to confirm to stereotypes held by non-Jews.
[Insert nasal-y laugh here.]
In response to the reasonable call for more women candidates I [re]nominate Susie Essman from Curb Your Enthusiasm ("Larry you four-eyed F__K!")
I also nominate Moe ("I made my bones when you were datin cheerleaders") Green from GF1; Avner (Eric Bana) from Munich; and Barney Greengrass (representing the Upper West Side).
Mel Brooks. why is this even an argument?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsj4s9z-EAE
People, wtf? The critera clearly point to Woody Allen.
Who else embodies the nebbish-ness, the self-loathing, the humor of Woody. Really?
In Annie Hall: "Alvy Singer: Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here."
Add that to the embarrassing Soon-Yi thing, and that he is not what he once was.
Folks, for us Jews it's a lock.
Jon Stewart, Woody Allen, or Larry David.
Optimus Prime or Ben Grimm. Too bad Sammy Davis Jr is dead though.
I'm gonna have to go with Bloomberg, seeing how he rules the world and all...
I nominated Jackie Mason yesterday and still am 100% in his corner. If us honkies have that honkey tonk singer to embarass us, the Jews need Jackie Mason. Though I have to admit, I like Jackie Mason.
If not him, maybe Howard Stern, in some Jewish circles, he is seen as an embarassment to the community. I also have some neighbors who think they are spokespeople for the Jewish people.
Joan Rivers, and when she dies, then daughter Melissa gets the job.
Clearly Amy Winehouse is the only answer.
Dr. Rush is an awesome nomination. I'd like to see her in a one-on-one steel cage match with Goldberg.
I'd probably enjoy the blog more if I had a clue what you were going on about more than 60% of the time.
*Sigh
I promise not to big foot you the way I did Whitey.
I take this promise to mean that the spokesman for the Chosen People(TM) must be closer to Billy Dee than the a**clown speaking for Whitey. Thus, the question is: who is the Jewish Billy Dee? Which Jew had a career that peaked in the 1970s after appearing in an iconic trilogy in an important, albeit secondary role?
The closest non-bigfoot nominee I can come up with is James Caan. Granted his career had a lot more ups than Billy Dee's but he never did a malt liquor ad, either.
Now, if you want "70s has-been" then Gabe Kaplan is your man. He has the advantage of having some mortifying clips from "Battle of the Network Stars" that you can embed from You Tube.
@ Tyler
OWNED!Jesus is the best, but I think him being dead would prevent him from being a spokesperson. Then again, he talks to lots of people in insane asylums so maybe you could go down to the crazy house and get one of them to be a spokesperson for the spokesperson?
Now what about Lenny Kravitz? I heard a rumor that the Jews won him in the Racial Draft.
If we're going for British Jews, I nominate Neil Gaiman.
If we're sticking with Americans, Harlan Ellison! Awwwww come on, it'll be FUN!
I second Harlan Ellison.
Adam Sandler, the most annoying person in show biz.
I'm not Jewish but I think it should be Larry David. He's definitely gully enough.
Lanny Davis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHYwjiMWPRQ
But yes, it HAS to be Marty Peretz. Thirded.
Guy,
Rahm Emanuel sums up Israelis for me: caricaturishly irritable and aggressive but softened by a sense of humor and an irrational desire to perform ballet.
No, the spokessabra is clearly Uri Shurinson.
Disco good!
JON STEWART
I'd take Gary Shandling, since he seems genuinely meaner than all the other comedians mentioned. Then again we really don't have a choice. It's whoever Judd Apatow picks.
Fyvush Finkel
Matisyahu
On a more serious note: Eric Alterman and Henry Waxman (is he jewish?) both rock.
ROD CAREW.
No contest.
I'm confused. How is Lando an example of the "embarassing" type of spokesperson. Anyone who disses Billy Dee is about to get a beatdown.
Ben, nice. Although old-timers would probably argue for Hank Greenberg.
If we allow fictional characters, nobody can touch Hyman Roth.
Jon Stewart? You should be so lucky.
Naw, if I have John Rich then the Jewish rep is either Fran Drescher or Lucianne Goldberg.
"-but he doesn't fill me with nearly as much Jewish self-loathing as the revolting Jackie Mason..."
What's "revolting" about Jackie Mason? The man is one of the funniest stand-up comics working. And there's nothing self-loathing about him. Don't take it out on Jackie if someone knocked your yarmulke off your head when you were growing up.
Jackie Mason funny? Yeah, I guess--like Stepin Fetchit was.
And I didn't say he was self-loathing--I said he inspired Jewish self-loathing in ME. He makes me embarrassed to be a Jew.
No yarmulke-knocking for me, by the way; women don't wear yarmulkes.
Chryss,
I love Gaiman as much as the next fanboy, but let's face it, he's far too self-effacing in public to an effective spokesman. Not that he doesn't seem to be a delightful human being, mind you, it's just that a spokesman needs to be a tad more..., barvura, yeah?
Ira Glass
Ben, according to these people, Carew isn't actually Jewish.
But Marv Levy is. Can our Cowboy-fan host resist the temptation?
look up the tribe 'adin' in a concordance. here is the word: it is all bullshit. jews are black, blacks are whites, whites are asian. there never has been anyone who speaks for anyone. dream on in your cockamamie whackonimrodness.
richard pryor is the man. always has been. muhammed ali is the man, always will be. kirk douglas, wes clark and jack jacobs are the schwartze jew boys, the mensches, for sure.
www.pbs.org/weta/americanvalor/stories/jacobs.html
of course, out of a sense of false modesty, i leave myself out. after i cross the great river and have become myth, legend, and finally a child's bedtime illustrated story, let my story belong to the ages.
Matt Stoller, who is going to hate me for this.
Also, someone had to mention Jonathan Safran Foer.
"Embarrassed to be Jewish" is the criterion? Oh, my goodness. I think it has to be Abramoff then.
my vote is for Walter Sobchak.
definitely.
How about Susie Greene (aka Susie Effman), Jeff's wife on "Curb"? Seems perfect.
Sara Silverman. The Great Shlep wasn't enough you douche nozzles? :P
If embarassment over being Jewish is a major criterion, then this may be George Allen's big chance at a comeback!
It has to be Jackie Mason, but since the ladies don't seem to be getting much love I'll nominate Sandra Bernhardt, Barbara Steisand, and Kyle's mon on South Park.
Roberto may have been onto something with Gabe Kaplan!
Gramsci: I don't think Lucianne is actually a Jew herself. I think she just married in.
But I like Fran Drescher. Although Sheila Broslofski (Kyle's mom) is the best pick so far, I think.
Karl Marx?
Sigmund Freud?
Albert Einstein?
Henry Kissinger?
Bugsy Siegel?
Steven Spielberg?
Paul Newman?
Bob Dylan?
Franz Kafka?
George Gershwin?
Harry Houdini?
Groucho Marx?
Stan Lee?
Jack Kirby?
Damn. We roll deep. I say we just pick Eric Bana in his role as the most attractive Jew ever in the movie "Munich" and leave it at that.
Oh, and Lenny Bruce.
If my white self has to be represented by that John Rich dingleberry (yeah, I looked him up some more), then I insist on an equal level of Jewish self-humiliation. Woody Allen is really the only choice, for all the reasons mentioned previously, but especially for the fact that he has made a large part of his living out of being embarrassed about his own Jewishness. He's been able to wring the maximum possible amount of guilt, squirming, self-betrayal, and sheer creepiness out of it. What's not to love?
This shiksa seconds the nom for all 3 Beastie Boys.
Didn't you already ask this question?
Jesus isn't a bad idea.
Woody Allen once did fill this slot, I'd say.
Larry David tries to.
Gilbert Gottfried still is my favorite pick. He pisses off everyone.
The Beastie Boys are a close second, as they are as far from the parade of ego-inflated comedic men that are being nominated here.
Jon Stewart?
Nah, on second thought, I'll go with Jesus. Hey, Jesus, what do you think?
"I don't want to touch this with a ten foot pole." Well, that's what Jesus said on South Park some years back. . .
I respectfully nominate the delightful Chinese family that runs Absolute Bagels on the Upper West Side.
Failing that, I second the nomination for Amy Winehouse.
Neil Diamond as "The Jazz Singer."
Or Magneto (c'mon, "gypsy" is a retcon. Bryan Singer had it right).
Come to thing of it, Bryan Singer? Isn't it uncool to be a gay, jewish, comic-book loving member of the AV club? Nah, somehow he makes that actually pretty hot.
Walter!!! You cannot ignore the passion of a convert. If if he is a fictional convert.
A minyon (ten) is the bare necessity--it's in the gamebook--preferably all talking at the same time, some angry, some idealistic, all dirty mouthed, some funny as fuck.
Looks like Billy Dee's position is being challenged by Newt Gingrich:
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/12/12/gingrich-cao-liaison/
@brucds: To borrow a phrase from Walter, "Forget it, Newt - you're out of your element!"
Woody Allen had the position but resigned when he started dating Soon-Yi.
If fictional characters, like Lando, are allowed, my personal choice would be David Greene from the movie School Ties. Me and my friends used to joke about how he was "!super jew!" - a character that shows up occasionally in movies (including some wierd ones, like Porky's).
For female nominees, I can't believe no one has named Barbra Streisand. She fits exactly what makes me squirm about so much of my Tribe and there's no way you could beat her away from the microphone if she realized the post was up for grabs.
Why am I still thinking about this?
When I was a kid, we used to listen to 2 different comedy records (yes, records): Mel Brooks' "The 2000 Year Old Man" and whatever the name of the Richard Pryor record was where he does his white people eating dinner/black people eating dinner routine.
White (jewish)girl thinking to herself; "Who ARE those white people? That black family sounds just like us!"
And of course, Mel Brooks sounded like my relatives, so. . .
No conclusion. Just keeping arguing amongst yourselves.
Uncle Ebeneezer: I know, I looked it up. Rod Carew isn't actually Jewish. He's a just a very sympathetic fellow traveler. But the average Jewish boy (and some of the girls) in the 70s somehow "knew" that Rod Carew was Jewish, and this fact was really important, for reasons that I won't bother explaining but should be obvious to anyone who thinks about the Woody Allen stereotype and the archetypes of masculinity in the 70s.
Besides, I didn't read anywhere in the ground rules that the spokesperson actually had to be Jewish.
LEON TROTSKY!
...or Woody Allen: "I am not a self hating Jew! I may hate myself, but its not because I'm Jewish."
If you want to offend people Ariel Sharon wouldn't be a bad choice.
Gilbert Gottfried keeps with the "actors/singers nobody cares about" motif.
Plus he was Iago in one of the greatest movies ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuTXgfvhsWo
If we're allowed fictional characters, Ari Gold from Entourage. Hug it out, bitch.
Lou Reed, and the guys from Kiss.